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Monday, May 25, 2009

Go away! But not too far.

I have been MIA as of late.

I am a Cancer the crab and perhaps it's in the stars as to why I want to hide out in my shell. That is how I feel, hiding in my dark little corner of the world.

I'm not depressed (thank God!), busy, but I don't want to answer my phone, post on ANY of my sixteen (true) websites, text, or e-mail, IM, chat.

I've missed way to many meetings of my writers group, and I LOVE those people!

I want to avoid my 12 step meetings, but they keep me alive.

I even fantasize about ditching sponsees.

I sure the hell don't want to be here blogging about how I hate blogging right now.

But vent I must or burst I shall.

I LOVE my friends, fans, and loved ones. I want only happiness for them. I just don't want to talk to them.

Am I odd?

Am I rude?

I had this weird vertigo thing for like two months (PBBV google it) and I couldn't drive, had to stay in bed, what a great opportunity to catch up right? Nope. I wanted to go to a games website and play Yahtzee or Sorority on Facebook. Stupid crap. Mindless. Anonymous on the net where nobody could find me. But NO! Anyone on the planet can track me down, google me and BAM there I am!

My phone has a minimum of ten messages a day, my e-mail is spilling over the edge of my laptop. I CAN'T KEEP UP!


Are the days of peace and quiet gone forever?

Do you remember a time before answering machines? I miss those days sometimes. We could hide for weeks, months.

When I didn't have a phone or it was out of order the mail was the only solution (mail is that funny paper thing in envelopes for you younger folks). My God it was as slow as the pony express, how lovely.

But then technology arrived and every one of my personalities embraced it. My ADHD head went insane with the possibilities! Three personal web pages, a podcast, two Myspace band pages, totally different music and I'm the solo artist on both. Composer, lyricist, singer, and all the musicians. My two photography websites, Facebook, the video I'm working on for a friend, 12stepradio.com where I am an administrator and all the other numerous websites where I'm holding daily conversations with hundreds of people. Am I freakin crazy??? Jeeeeezz do NOT even get me started with Twitter!

I'm loosing it here folks.

Maybe thats it. My mind needs down time? Oh wait... I was sick with another UTI from hell that ate antibiotics for breakfast. A fever, yeah, thats it! THATS why I went into seclusion.

Thank God my husband got laid off and has been under foot for like eight weeks. Without him, I'd have never eaten.

Were going to San Diego next week. My niece is getting married. I will be with my WHOLE family. Step mom, real mom, step dad, real, dad, second husbands brothers sons daughter, whatever, you get the big picture right?

And here I am, not drinking. Tho a drink sounds pretty damn good right now. But I'm not throwing away six and a half years of sobriety just yet. As they say... this too shall pass.

So in thirty days I will be in a studio in Nova Scotia recording my first CD, exciting? Hell yes! Terrifying? Hell yes!

The book I'm writing is coming along beautifully. But this one feels like I'm terrified of success not failure. So I find reasons not to write.

I have been juggling twenty-seven balls and I'm tired damnit!

I said FREEZE!!!

Took a snapshot of where all the balls are and now I'm going to take a nap.

The boys are coming up from the bay area for a visit in a few hours.

Maybe when I feel up to it, I'll jump right back in where I left off. Maybe I will drop all the balls except the CD, I don't know.

When I come up for food or air, I'll let you know. In the meanwhile,

just know that I'm alive and all the me's are well, my therapist said so!


angel said...

I am so glad you are okay, and I wish I had some advice for you to make your load lighter... Miss you.

angel said...

And yes, you said you're okay- but I tagged you again anyway!

ADD Tracy said...

Angel, I simply adore you!
We seem to be made of rubber, you and I.
We will just keep bouncing back no matter what.

Hugs momma