The light shines brightest through the broken places

Cody had one of the worst cases of ADHD the doc had ever seen. I felt like I was always yelling and that he was always being punished. I decided to look for the things Cody was doing right, ignore the bad stuff to the best of my ability (in other words, choosing my battles wisely). Unfortunately at first I never could catch him doing anything right! So I had to start small. If he took his plate to the kitchen, "Thank you sweetie for taking your plate to the kitchen, you really are helpful”. For NOT yelling in the car "Cody, I really appreciate you talking in such a calm tone, it helps me drive better and understand you more”. Of course at first, whenever I'd mention what he was doing right, he'd act out Immediately, like in the car, start yelling, because obviously he’s forgotten himself and was being good. He was uncomfortable and unfamiliar with my behavior so it was understandable. I just ignored it and turned my attention elsewhere. "Cody, isn't that the restaurant that had those horrible hamburgers? or " Do you know what kind of tree that is?" After some time and TONS of patience he began getting used to the positive affirmation and the results were noticeable. Since he has two brothers, I had them in on it. As annoying as he was to them, it was important to have them back me up. The other thing we did was play a game together. Every time we went through a stop sign or a stop light and every time we walked thru a door, we said "I'm valuable and lovable" OUT LOUD. Both of us. We felt totally stupid at first of course, then it was kind of fun to beat the other to the punch, or catch one another forgetting. ADHD kids are competitive, so he enjoyed the game once I got him to buy into it. After some time, I really noticed a difference, in myself primarily. I'm positive that these new tools helped us turn a huge corner. 
It was important for me to get a proper diagnosis as well. I began taking medication and it was like someone had taken the hundreds of puzzle pieces of my life and fit them all together. I distinctly remember saying "Oh my God! This must be what NORMAL feels like!" I said it out loud in my living room, I was alone but it's one of those memories that is etched into my soul permanently. When my behavior cleared up, it was much easier to see the situation clearer. Getting the right meds was trying at best, but mostly very very frustrating. But it was worth it in the long run. We were in the midst of what I called "the coping years". Cope. That is the best we can do at times. 
Cody had more ability than disability. ADHD people have some remarkable talents and gifts. My job as a parent was too think outside the box. I gave up the idea that he would ever  be like anyone else. That took a lot of the pressure off of him. I found a website that showed famous people with ADD, it’s now posted on my blog. Thank God for ADHD, we bring color to the world.

ADHD Meltdown

ADHD Meltdown
By; Tracy Nicolaus
Another meltdown headed this way,
there’s nothing I can do or say,
to stop the inevitable rampage ahead,
the cussing, screaming and banging his head.
I must keep my cool, the number one rule,
he faces enough of the world being cruel.
How can such a small guy, make me feel so insane?
How does he climb into my brain?
This isn’t what I expected at all,
my sweet little child may be my downfall.
I’ve become a parent I don’t want to be,
I look in the mirror and hate what I see.
And I feel so alone, I can’t understand,
had my life figured out, this wasn’t my plan.
But here we are I know I must face,
the ultimate challenge any parent could face.
See there’s no one else to stand by his side,
it isn’t his fault he’s on this wild ride.
No one to defend him so I guess that is that,
I’ll shut out the voices and I’ll go to bat.
I’ll ignore the people who tell me I’m wrong,
say he’s a bad child and he can’t get along.
Because he is special, I see in his eyes,
he’s full of love; he’s a happy surprise.
It’s only a matter of shifting my view,
he’s a brilliant child hopefully they’ll see it too!
So be my ally, please help us out,
as we navigate what this ADHD’s about.
Can I get a shout out?

Quieting the mind (AKA get stupid) Step 11

How to quiet the mind (aka, get stupid)

You are not your body. You are not your mind. You are perfect. The purpose of steps 4 and 5.

What if I'd have given up?

By; Tracy Nicolaus

What if I said "I have to given up?"
Said "I can't do this"
or completely cracked up?

What if they'd taken him away from me,
what might have happened?
Who would he be?

Another mom would have tried to mold him,
stuffed him into a box,
perhaps badgered or scold him.

A different parent might not have seen,
that special something,
that spark or that gleam.

He would have been told to act like the others,
he would have been held down,
his sweet genius smothered.

There is no mold for an ADD child.
Their beauty's unique
they are born to be wild.

Wild to create, to think differently,
drawing outside the lines,
where his mind could run free.

His spirit would have never survived,
He would never have flourished,
never have thrived.

I guess I was chosen, hand picked for this kid.
I'm glad I stood by him let him be what he is,
gave him the space because look what he did;

He is changing the planet one note at a time,
He's a man thats respected, loved and admired,
composing great music, song, dance and rhyme.

directing our consciousness to uncharted places
to new ways of listening, where music embraces
were seeing the spirit behind those poor boxed in faces.

Yes I'm glad it was me, I'm glad he was mine,
as tough as it seemed, even when lost at times,
I was allowed to witness a brand new design.

No other like him, one of a kind
I did something right, he was never confined.

ADHD brother from hell

Cody Giannotti doing "No Diggidy"

I want a 1950s wife!

Every now and then I get to view the world through a normie's eyes.
What the world looks like to the a non ADHDer.
Well as I sit here taking an honest appraisal of what is in my vision,
I'm backsliding. The Fly Lady would not be pleased with me.

I don't want to be a slob...
I wanna be like her!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


My kitchen table is underneath a bunch of stuff, I think.
Laundry piled up so high it's giving me nightmares.
Baby crap (not literal, you know, toys and stuff) everywhere.
Books, magazines, dirty dishes, smudged windows and the dust.
oye vey we won't even go there, or in the bathrooms for that matter.
Yet here I sit typing away about it and it's not getting any better at all!

I HATE that!

I need a wife... a 1950s wife with pearls and heals.

She can be black and white or color, it doesn't matter to me.

I'd smell the pot roast and potatoes cooking in the oven,
I'd smell things like, like, CLEAN!

Damn... why do I have to do EVERYTHING myself!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





I WANNA 1950s WIFE!!!

An interesting perspective

I was talking to Cody today (27 years old as of this writing) and mentioned the skipping of 6 weeks of school from the earlier post. He said "Oh yeah! That was a very important part of my formative education! Watching MTV. Watching the musicians and singers and performances, learning my trade in the best way possible. I would have just learned a bunch of nonsense in school that I would have never used."

Now I would have NEVER thought of it that way, not in a million years.

Can you see how his head is working here? Brilliant.

I saw a disobedient, lazy, lying, sneaky kid. I saw from a single moms perspective.
It was all about me.
How would I look to others?
What would happen to me if he got caught not going to school?
And the most destructive of all...
"I'm a bad mom cause I'm not home with him. If only I were a "normal" mom."

So Cody, thank you once again for letting me off the hook of guilt and remorse (tho I don't spend much time there today), this was a tough one.

I like the new perspective much better.

If I had it to do over again would I do anything different? Most likely not! I'd still be furious. but alas, I am a work in progress.

How can I kill you now my child
tho you've spun me out once more
you drive me crazy, mad and wild
yet I'm laughing on the floor

That smile of yours and quirky ways
humor with perfect timing
can quench a fire in a full blown blaze
so I'm not killing, just simply rhyming

You've escaped my wrath now go out and play
and I'll let you live for one more day.

Famous people with ADHD

Of course I have always seen my son as brilliant, annoying, but brilliant and knew that the way his head works could bring him great fame, fortune and happiness. I also know that the greatest men and women in history all had something in common, just like my child and I, they thought outside the box.

I have checked like 50 websites in the past few years and found this list to be pretty consistent. It doesn't surprise me at all. I can't say for certain that any of the historical people (dead ones) on this list had ADHD or ADD, but it makes a lot of sense. You be the judge.

Some, like Albert Einstein, if you pardon the expression, are no brainers. Their documented histories show that they had all the behaviors, symptoms and abilities that we ADHD people possess.

So, I am not claiming that this list is 100% accurate, but I'll bet it's damn close.

Albert Einstein
Ansel Adams
Ann Bancroft
Beethoven
Alexander Graham Bell
James Boswell
Sir Richard Francis Burton
President George Bush (both)
Admiral Richard Byrd
Lord Byron
Thomas Carlyle
Andrew Carnegie
Jim Carrey
Gen. H. Norman Charles
Thomas Chatterton
Samuel Clemens
Samuel T. Coleridge
Christopher Columbus
Tom Cruise
Leonardo da Vinci
Salvador Dali
Emily Dickinson
Patty Duke
Thomas Edison
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Ernest & Marel
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Edward Fitzgerald
Malcomb Forbes
Henry Ford
Rick Fox
Benjamin Franklin
Robert Frost
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Tom Gainsborough
Galileo
Bill Gates
Susan Hampshire
Handel
Mariette Hartley
Stephen Hawking
Wm Randolph Hearst
Ernest Hemingway
Bill Hewlett
Alfred Hitchcock
Dustin Hoffman
Thomas Jefferson
Bruce Jenner
"Magic" Johnson
Samuel Johnson
Michael Jordan
Carl Jung, M.D.
King Karl XI of Sweden
John F. Kennedy
Robert Kennedy
Jason Kidd
Evel Knievel
Bill Lear
John Lennon
Lewis and Clark
Carl Lewis
Abraham Lincoln
Luci Baines Johnson Nugent
Louis Pasteur
Gen. George Patton
H. Ross Perot
Gen. Norman Schwartzkopf
George C. Scott
George Bernard Shaw
Tom Smothers
Socrates
Steven Spielberg
Sylvester Stallone
Robert Louis Stevenson
Jackie Stewart
James Stewart
Richard C. Strauss
Lord Alfred Tennyson
Nicolai Tesla
Henry David Thoreau
Leo Tolstoy
Ted Turner
Vincent Van Gogh
Jules Verne
Werner von Braun
Lindsay Wagner
Mike Wallace
General Westmoreland
Weyerhauser Family
Walt Whitman
Jamie Williams
Robin Williams
Tennessee Williams
Woodrow Wilson
Henry Winkler
Stevie Wonder
Virginia Woolf
F.W. Woolworth
Wright Brothers
Vince Lombardi
Robert Lowell
James Clark Maxwell
Steve McQueen
Mozart
David H. Murdock
Napoleon
Nasser
Isaac Newton
Jack Nicholson
Anthony Hopkins
Howard Hughes
Nostradamus
Edgar Allan Poe
Cole Porter
Elvis Presley
Dan Rather
Buddy Rich
Eddie Rickenbacker
Guy Ritchie
Joan Rivers
John D. Rockefeller
Nelson Rockefeller
Pete Rose
John Ruskin
Nolan Ryan
Eleanor Roosevelt
Anwar Sadat
Pierre Salinger
Robert Schumann
Pablo Picasso
Charles Schwab
Michael Phelps
Ty Pennington (thanks for the update Angel)
Cody and ME!

Go ahead, add yourself or your kids name to this list... now go do something GREAT!

The ADHD clock

My husband has a new job that has really weird hours and keeps him out of town for a couple days at a time. I discovered something very interesting about my perception of time when I'm alone... namely, I have none.

When I'm home alone for any length of time something strange happens. It doesn't matter if the sun in at high noon or there is a lunar eclipse in progress, I have no concept of time. I feel like a ghost floating  around. Because there is no one to mirror life back at me, so I get aimless. Well, more aimless than usual.

There are ups and downs to this. The up side is, I can easily spend 14 hours playing a computer game, the down side is, I can easily spend 14 hours playing a computer game. I wander from room to room wondering what I'm doing. My chores are impossible to do. In fact the only way I can get anything done is by inviting a friend over to watch me do laundry or dishes.

 Isn't that odd?

One afternoon I was sitting on the patio with my friend, or was it morning? hmmmmm
Anyway where was I?
Oh yeah my friend!
She has known me for many years and I was telling her about something thrilling that had happened a couple days earlier. My husband walked outside as I was speaking and said "Tracy, that was like over a month ago!" Without hesitation, my friend said "Thats OK you've always been time challenged, it's no big deal, I'm used to it, go on." 

I was amazed. It's like all the sudden someone solved one of the largest mysteries of my life!

OK stay with me here for a bit.
It never occurred to me before that my concept of time was WAY off the mark prior to this. But instantly all the pieces began falling into place. 

Why I lie when I don't need to? Because I honestly don't remember or know! Years and years of being thought of as rebellious, stupid, and forgetful instantly made sense. I have always had this internal time shield. I have never viewed time as normal people do. Time isn't time to me. Not the way normies see it anyway.

So when my Mom said "Your room is a mess! What have you been doing all this time?" I'd have to come up with something plausible to satisfy her. "Aliens landed in the closet", "My friend came to the window covered in blood and I had to get her to the hospital", "The cat was mewing and I understood exactly what he was saying, HONEST!" (this has actually happened, but I don't take those kinds of drugs anymore), "I was secretly making a gift for you and if you don't get out at once, you will ruin the whole thing!" Anything, anything to make her stop the inquisition. Heck I had NO clue what I'd been doing. For all I could tell, it had only been seconds.

This is still really fresh for me and I don't have it all figured out yet, but I have begun trying to say the words that I've had difficulty saying in the past. Words like, "I'm sorry, I honestly don't remember when..." or, "You know, I have difficulty with time references, you could very well be right, I am probably mistaken." OUCH! Hard to say but freeing! 

Being honest is a nice feeling. But before I could get honest, I had to know I was lying. I had to stop assuming that everyone else was time retarded like I was and that they were all making it up as they went along too.

I had to admit that it's OK to not know.

So I hope this helps someone see inside our heads. Folks the cuckoo bird has taken a vacation from our inner clocks. 

Please don't ask us time related questions and expect any kind of accuracy. And for God sakes, if you want chores done, be sure it's done on the buddy system.

When you leave one of us home alone, were like dogs, we don't do time... but were always so happy when you come home to us.

Beatboxing flute

OK so check out what the kids latest gig is...
He got a flute at a thrift store and taught himself to play,
then he began doing beatboxing with it! His Dad was so
impressed, he went out and bought him a brand new flute.

Freakin amazing!
I LOVE my son!

Sweet alone time

I went to spend an hour alone

with my precious son,

within a few short minutes

I knew I'd come undone.

The energetic vampire

had sucked my patience out

and I found myself quite helplessly

chewing the darling child out

My God how did it happen?

My intentions were so good

he's really not a horrible kid

he's just misunderstood

But just the same I walked away

as he climbed another wall

I suppose an honorable retreat

ain't a bad deal after all

At least I think I can safely say,

we may live to try another day.

Inside the ADHD head

So my friend Angel that has a wonderful ADHD son Damien, had a lovely poem written for him by his Grandma.

This is the poem...


MY AMAZING BOY



If I could only understand and see inside your head!

If I could simply grasp your thoughts and feel them in my hands –

The world is full of little words like ‘if’ and ‘sorry’ and ‘I promise’ ….

How do I see inside your mind and hold onto the bouncing ideas

that move faster than the speed of light in flashing colours and sounds?

You feel so very far away and yet, you are right here.

It seems there are worlds between us and yet, you are right here.

Then suddenly

there is a brilliant smile on your lovely face

and my soul leaps with joy!

Suddenly

you open the window just a little bit and we share a rainbow.

Your lovely brown eyes look into to my faded blue eyes,

heart to heart.

Mind to mind.

I treasure those instances.

There was harmony in you for a that moment.

If you and I could only see in your head all the potential,

the love, the kindness, the genius lying therein!



Would it be easier for you, my dearest adder?



If I could only understand and see inside your head!

If I could simply grasp your thoughts and feel them fluttering in my hands –



would it be easier for me, my dearest adder?

Here is the link: http://angelathome.blogspot.com/2007/10/poem-from-grandmother-to-her-adhder.html
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Beautiful!

Well, that is a Grandma that is truly paying attention.
The fact that she sees the beauty in his mind, the brilliance and the potential is really awesome.

Few really get it, but a Momma and a Grandmas heart sees all.

If she could see inside his head indeed!

I got to thinking about what it's like inside out heads, here is what I came up with.



I tried to explain once what it looked like inside my own head...

I am in a closet and there are hundreds of thousands of tiny pieces of paper with every bit of knowledge I have on them (and I have a lot!), and there's a huge fan that blows them all around me night and day. I can see so many words, ideas, concepts and thoughts at once it's crazy! It is overwhelming. It's hard to hold onto one and keep it still while I grab another, so I have learned to just let go.
Every now and again I get lucky and find two that go together, that is when I shine.
I lie because I can't remember what the past papers said before they got blown out of my hand and I don't want to seem stupid or get into trouble.

This crazy whirling mind of mine is wonderful, but when others expect me to have a filing cabinet like them, I get so frustrated and confused. I know they don't understand, so I am as patient with them as I can possibly be.

The lost year

The windows all need washing,
the laundry rooms a mess,
my art, music and writing
have been abandon, I confess

I really can't explain how
I've lost a whole damn year,
there's a heavy layer of dust
hiding all that I hold dear.

I don't know where I put it
all my closets are stuffed shut,
but could a year hide out in there,
as I've sat here on my butt?

It really is quite scary
to see how much I haven't done,
& the kids don't live here anymore,
so I can't blame it on my son.

There must be some bright way,
to make this all look good,
Ahhhhhh
I spent a year in meditation...
don't you wish you could?

This class is a drag

It's 10am this class is a drag I wonder whats in my lunch bag,
Oh I forgot to grab my phone, man I guess I'll have to run home.
Dad is there, I'll sneak in the back, quietly, peek thru the kitchen door crack,
Opps he's moving, in the closet I go, gotta be quiet, can't let him know.
Got it and out, cross the road and I'm free, man it's so damn cool to be me!
Back thru the field I see the school snitch, I dash for the trees and hit the ditch.
Patently wait, O.K. there she goes, scrambling out, dirt head to toes,
hey look there's the cops! are they looking for me? Was I gone long enough? How could that be?
Bolt back to class, time? 10:03... this class is a drag

My ADHD want's to be, a tree

If I were a tree, I would have thick deep roots that shot into the ground, wrapping around boulders and badgers and bugs. Depth, something I have never known would be my mantra. If I were a tree, I'd feed off of the warm earth where I would stay planted for hundreds of years, never moving, slowly rooting haughtily stable. My branches the only moving part, as if my hands and arms were carrying on a conversation with the wind. Explaining to the sun, that I was the one, who could always be relied upon. If I were a tree.
But no. ADHD, yes that's me.
I am a feather, blown by a fickle wind. Spinning through orchards and fields, never knowing, never growing, never stopping...for long. I am a feather. Blown high and low, with no rhyme nor reason, disregarding season, just blown, from here to there, to there, to there, to there, seemingly without a care. But when I am downed by a saturating rain, I envy the tree, how would it be, if that were me? Firmly planted like that tree? Whoosh, here I go again.

Tracy Nicolaus 2006

Are you crazy? Or is it me?

As I walked through my house today, heading down the hall I again remembered that I had forgotten what on earth I was going down the hall for. I have become accustomed to this having lived with ADHD for 40 something years. But at times I actually feel pretty "normal". That is until someone really normal walks into my world. So last week I was doing my usual whatever I want, when my neighbor came by. I didn't answer the door because I was in the back yard, 15 feet up the walnut tree shaking the crap out of it so the walnuts would fall out before the squirrels could get to them. I was also talking on my cell phone to a friend at the same time. She had come into the backyard and was just staring up the tree. She later told me that she couldn't see the phone, she thought I was having a full on conversation with myself! What? Did she think I was that whack? Well in order to get into the tree, I had to pull several chairs over. Unfortunately, I had tipped the main one over on my way up. It never occurred to me how I would get down. See the other side of the tree was covered with a purple paper glue bust I had made earlier in the day and it was hanging to dry. So it turned out to be a blessing, she was able to help me down. As I grabbed her shoulder for balance she shrieked! "Tracy! Oh my God, what did you do?" She was staring at the blood on my leg. "No big deal, I scratched it in the tree." I said as I looked at the black walnut stain I had just put on her white silk blouse. I changed the subject quickly, "so what do you think of the bust I'm making?" I asked. The reply was irritating at best. "What on earth are you going to do with that huge thing?" She was looking at it like it were some kind of slimy bug! "Well, I thought I'd put it in the front yard!" I replied, tongue in cheek. She looked at my patio, and I followed her gaze. These are those moments of clarity we ADHD folks get now and then. If we don't have enough shame from our childhoods, we can well make up for it with the help of normies!
I had the horror of seeing what she saw. I had a minimum of 5 projects going at once. All different, all consisting of different types of boxes, bags, tools, gizmos and gadgets. "How do you make such horrendous messes Tracy? Honestly, it amazes me that it doesn't bother you to live like this!" I am sure, what with her being in a state of shock and all, she did not mean to be rude, so I chose to not be offended. Plus, I had ruined her shirt and thankfully she had not noticed it yet. "Well" I pondered the question for a moment, then it occurred to me. "You know what? Life is too damn long to not make lots of messes, climb trees, scrape your legs up, and create art! If I had to go sit in a cubical most of my days, I think I'd just rather not be alive! You know what? I think it would do you a world of good to get messy now and again yourself!" Amazingly her eyes went from disbelief to delight! She went home and changed into cutoffs and was back in a flash. The two of us spent the evening climbing trees and finger painting! She said it was the most fun she'd had in ages, and I refused to let her clean up one thing! In fact the paint is still out here, OH THATS what I was going down the hall for! I wanted to get the mirror out of my husbands drawer! I have an awesome idea about melting hard paint onto mirror! I'll let you know how it turns out.

Who you are

Who you are,
no words could ever say
and who you are is
the bright spot in my day
and who you are
is not what you think is true
you just believed in some old stories
but that really isn't you

who you are,
isn't what your brother still believes
and who you are
aint what anybody sees
you know everybody sees you different
but none of that is true,
not a soul alive could ever know
what I see in you

Hey who you are
just aint some story told by your momma and your dad
and who you are was never based on what you did or didn't have
and when I look into your eyes
I'm not seeing a facade,
when I look at who you truly are
I see a sweet image of God

So let go of all your past now
and take a look inside
If your still and very quiet
you wont feel a need to hide
cause who you are
is a miracle it seems
yah who you are is a brand new color
that I can see inside my dreams

By; Tracy Nicolaus

Hey roses, your ugly and stupid!

HEY ROSES YOUR UGLY AND STUPID!
Sometimes we just have messy days. Those days where the voice(s) in our head tell us "your not good enough", "you can't do anything right" "your not worthy of love"! Don't we just love those days! So what are we to do? Just pretend they are not there? Drink, smoke, sex, drug them into submission? Sit as a victim and just take the beating? Believe them and hide under the blankets? Yes we can do all of these things if that is what we choose to do, or we can fight back! This is one arena where a good wholesome fight is necessary if we want to stay happy, joyous and free! If we believe that something wonderful created the complex beauty of a rose, If we can stop long enough to smell the fragrance and touch the velvety petals, we will have a moment of clarity. Why is it that our eyes can focus on a rose, know it's name, it's color, be able to smell and enjoy its delicate aroma, process the thought, then touch letters on a key pad and transmit the image of this perfect dewey flower to a reader far away who is now thinking hmmmm, interesting? Whatever created that rose, also created the fingers typing this and the eyes reading this. Now that is a power greater than we are. And if such an amazing Creator made the rose in all it's splendor simply for our personal enjoyment... how precious must we be? The flower cant type or sing or feel as we do. The flower just IS BEAUTY. Who are we to judge Gods creation? Are we going to tell the flower how stupid and worthless it is? How arrogant to call one of Gods creations stupid! Who are we to judge anything that was created by such an amazing Higher Power, including ourselves!
If we are agreeing that we are not good enough, we are also saying that the rose is not good enough or the sunset or a puppy... now come on, how can you possibly believe anything so silly.
God,
When I am feeling "less than" please show me a flower to remind me of how incredible I am and how precious I am to you. Thank you for giving me the ability to appreciate the beauty around me and to have the amazing ability to visualize the rose in my mind even if I can't touch one in this moment.
You are a wondrous Creator.

Shut UP!!!!

SHUT UP
By; Tracy Nicolaus

Who are you to speak like that,
and treat me in this way?
You critisize me constantly, not one nice thing to say!
You misuse me and abuse me,
and you don’t think it’s wrong!
You always say I’m worthless, and that I don’t belong.

You’ve decieved me and you’ve lied to me
for way too many years,
Always bringing up the past, surrounding me in fears,
Twisting my reality so I can’t see what’s true,
I am finally sick of this game,
so I’ve decided that were through!

So shut up mirror, shut up face!
It’s time I put you in your place.
I’m a divine creation, a ray of light,
just for today I WILL shine bright!
God created me, stay out of the way
I’m good enough, just for today

Thanks to my Sweet Creator,
I have faced these thoughts of mine,
for years they have kept me, hopeless, hopeless, lost and blind.
It seems I’ve grown addicted, to putting myself down,
But God has shown me perfectly,
that what was lost has now been found.

Look in my eyes, you'll see your mirror,
Beauty, perfection, shining clearer,
Just for today, I choose this way,
And my old thoughts, get no say.

So shut up mirror, shut up face!
It’s time I put you in your place.
I’m a divine creation, a ray of light,
just for today I WILL shine bright!
God created me, stay out of the way
I’m good enough, just for today

ADHD/ADD POEMS & HOPE FOR SINGLE MOTHERS By: Tracy Nicolaus

MY ADHD CHILD

TRACY NICOLAUS

He's bouncin' off the wall, 
a superball gone insane,
he runs through your world 
like an off-rail freight train.
Interruptions are constant, 
tantrums galore.
When it's time to do homework,
he's gone, out the door.
The drama is constant, 
oh his foot fell asleep,
He moans and he wails 
the theatrics run deep.
School is a nightmare
the teachers are lost,
if they only could see
he is worth the cost.
He is brighter than most 
as most these kids are
and with patience and love
I know he'll go far.
But the crap I must take 
from well meaning friends,
"Don't let him do that!" 
"Oh, these rules that he bends!"
"You're not a good parent"
"Your child's really rude,"
"His temper's outrageous," 
"He has hands in his food!"
He hears this and wonders 
just what's wrong with me?
I tell him, "You're special, 
you have A.D.H.D.
Now A.D.H.D. is a gift from above
it teaches us grownups 
how to strengthen our love.
It helps teach your teachers, 
no two kids are the same.
You have awesome energy 
that could bring you great fame.
You don't need much sleep 
you never wear down,
you're silly and funny
when you act like a clown.
You've felt lots of pain 
from what people have said.
but you pray for those people 
when you go to bed.
So just try every day 
to make a fresh start,
for God gifted you 
with an extra big heart."
As I look at my child, 
he sees through my soul,
my heart feels like bursting 
as I realize my goal.
I know this young boy 
like no one else could,
he's a blessing to me, 
he's strong and he's good.
So I'll love him and guide him 
through the worst of the worst,
and he'll make a great man 
(if I don't kill him first).
I'm kidding, of course, 
'cause I know what's to be,
when I look in his eyes, 
it's a reflection of me.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
WHERE IS MY BABY?
©By: Tracy Nicolaus
The doctor grinned, "here’s a boy for you!"
"Wow look at that cowlick!"
& God grinned down too.

I inhale your scent,
It’s baby shampoo,
The crisp clean smell
of a gown brand new.

Then I watch you scoot,
around on your back,
Little arms flailing
in your sweet jammie sack.

Soon you are crawling,
you’ve a new sippy cup,
Your bouncin’ and bangin’
in Johnny Jump Up.

Next thing I know,
you’ve stepped your first time,
Then you go runnin’
& you love nursery rhymes.
Your playful & silly
& messy & naughty,
Yet you look like an angel
asleep on your potty.

Rambunctious and strong willed
you ride your first bike,
Left behind is the big wheel
and the worn out red trike.

Before I am ready
your dressed up for school,
I cry as you go off,
but I try to act cool.

Then first grade to sixth grade
goes by like a blur,
Mudpies and marbles
and coonskin cap fur.

I look at you one day
and your eyes level mine,
I laugh as your voice cracks
and were doin’ just fine.

When the girls start to call you
it’s sweet and it hurts,
The puppy love pain
from these Jr. high flirts.

You no longer snuggle up
close in my lap,
You don’t want to kiss me
& now I need the nap.

I don’t know exactly
when you left for high school,
But the days grow much shorter
and I’m no longer so cool.

I buy you your razors and your new shaving cream,
I watch a man blossom straight out of a dream.

Your cap and your gown
came in the mail yesterday,
The navy guy called
and your going away.

Graduation is coming
and boot camp is next,
I smell your cologne
and I’m somewhat perplexed.

Where is that baby?
He smells of fresh powder!
Where is my baby?
And the drum beat gets louder.

WHERE IS MY BABY?
I scream in the night.

I’ve let go of my baby,
a mamas worst fight.
Go on sweet bird,
go on and take flight.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Who could have known?
©By: Tracy Nicolaus

Who would have thought it? Who could have known?
Where you would wind up, Now that you’ve grown.

You’re here in the city, a Victorian space,
with roommates & music all over the place!

Your Grandmas piano, adorning the wall,
The music you write, lifts the angels who fall.

A beautiful man to gaze upon, just 24 years old,
has begun his life long dream at last, and I’m watching it unfold.

A college of performing arts, 4 years of hell to pay,
you stuck it out in the navy babe, and now your on your way.

Next year you’ll have your Masters Degree,
so much life ahead,
It seems amazing now my love,
but it’s like I always said,

The world just couldn’t see you,
through my eyes,
We ignored the opinions,
and shot off for the skies.

For you and I share a special bond,
with our ADHD,
& both of us are shinning bright,
with what was meant to be.

I’m a writer who loves my art,
your a master in every form,
Music, singing, acting, dance,
since the day that you were born.

I’m so proud of you son,
as I watch what you’ve done,
You are worth my best effort
and your life’s just begun.

And remember my words….
Life should be fun!!!!
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

THE NEIGHBOR LADIES
© By: Tracy Nicolaus


What kind of mother sits in the front yard, making mud-pies before dawn?
Then hoses her son and herself down like animals, don't you think that's wrong?

And did you see that tantrum her kid threw, in the grocery store?
Why she just stood there smiling at him, I can't take this anymore!

I should call Protective Services and have that boy taken away,
to a nice quiet family, normal you know? Where he'll learn how to obey!

Once she pinned him down on the sidewalk, imagine how he felt!
I looked at her shamefully and she said "HEY! I'm not using a belt!"

I hear she put a padlock, on the outside of his door,
she told Sally it's "for his protection, when she couldn't take anymore"!
WELL!

Everyone hears his screaming, that yelling never ends!
And she's always with that poor child, he hasn't got any friends!

She taught him to play with matches and knives,
I saw it myself, do you think that is wise?

They were throwing a butter knife at each others feet,
right there on the lawn, at the edge of the street!

And one day she had these matches, a whole big box of them,
they sat on the curb, and she watched as he burned, each one of them to the end!

The poor child was just sobbing, he had blisters on his thumb!
I was listening, heres what she said to him "See? Playing with matches is dumb"!
OH MY!

"Natural consequences" her only reply, I tell you it's all rubbish!
If that were my child, I'll tell you what! He would be PROPERLY punished!

And it's odd, 'cause I KNOW she's the worst kind of Mom,
but that boy has a twinkle in his eye like a song.

And he's really quite charming and a smart little chap,
it's amazing he survives with a mother like that!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

GRANDFARS TOWELS
©BY: TRACY NICOLAUS

We went to my Dads house one sweet Christmas Eve,
running late once again 'cause my son would not leave,
his video game till he reached the next level,
and then on the car ride he was tempting the devil!
Punching his brothers, squirming and climbing,
yelling out words in a jumble of rhyming.
By the time we arrived, we all needed some space,
so I told the heathen to go wash his face!
He ran off to the bathroom and we all got quite calm,
chatting and laughing, but something was wrong.
And then it just struck me! "CODY'S TOO QUIET"!
The whole room erupted, we were in a full riot!
Some hit the backyard, flashlight in hand,
others in bedrooms, under beds and night-stands.
He heard the commotion and peeked his head out,
"I'm in here, in the bathroom" he said with a shout,
we all came in running, with fear and dismay,
in his hand a straight razor meant just for display!
Softly I spoke "Cody, what did you do?"
"You've been gone a long time, we've been looking for you!"
He sheepishly smiled and began his whole story,
in his eyes we saw brilliance, wonder and glory.
"Remember that last time we had the car washed?
And those ribbons of soapy towels splished and they sploshed?
well I made some for Grandfar to use in his bath",
I peered round the corner and my heart it just crashed!
Their beautiful guest towels, sliced in jagged long rows,
soapy fresh bubbles covering throw rugs and toes.
Everyone silent, what happened next?
Well friends I'll leave that for you all to guess!
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The world has been spoiled rotten
©By; Tracy Nicolaus

Don’t look at me in that tone of voice, and DON’T stare at my son!
He appears to be barbaric to you, but the two of us are one.
You know he’s only 4 years old & I’ll raise him as I choose,
Cause if I break his spirit, I might miss all the clues.
He holds the spirit of Mother Earth, Father Sun and Time,
The secrets of the universe, the wild and the sublime,
So I will watch him tenderly as he runs and makes you nervous,
I will NOT domesticate him to your illusion so perverse!
So listen to the chanting, watch how swift he moves,
Listen as to music, fall in his hypnotic grooves,
WAKE UP, let him shake you up, to what we’ve all forgotten,
THIS BOY IS THE IMAGE OF GOD,
it’s the world that’s been spoiled rotten!

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
My Sons all 3
©by; Tracy Nicolaus

Freckled nose & wild clear eyes
Mischievous grin he can not hide.
His little fingers hold me tight,
& My heart skips a beat when he hugs me goodnight.
From baby to boy to young man now,
Yet retaining that innocence some way, yes somehow.
Still full of questions some silly some deep,
Still soft & snugly still loves his sleep.
God really must love me to loan me this child,
& I know I can’t keep him & it drives me quite wild.
But I pray I’ve got lots of years to enjoy,
This amazing young man in this sweet loving boy.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ADHD SHOPPING
©By; Tracy Nicolaus


I'd really love to go with you to the mall today,
but we'll have to go in separate cars, so I can stay and play.

I'll bring my bottled water, my meds and a small snack,
'cause once I get inside the stores, I sometimes can't get back,

I see the pretty colors and the sparkly shiny things,
and I have to look at every one and try on all the rings.

It doesn't matter that I have, a kitchen overflow,
I can't walk past the china case, 'cause I just want to know,

What patterns are in season, what trinkets make me smile,
I loose all sense of time and space, as I walk down every isle.

I forget to use the bathroom, forget I have a phone,
I get inside those sweet boutiques in a world all of my own.

Sometimes I fill the shopping cart, with everything I want,
and say "oops I forgot my cash!", a fairly harmless stunt.

But I know myself quite well you see, so I have no hesitation,
and as I walk out of the store I smile, ahh instant gratification!

So if were at the mall today and there's something I must buy,
will you please pick it up for me, and when I'm home just bring it by.

What's that you say? Forget it? You've really changed your mind?
It's just as well, 'cause I heard tell of a thrift store I must find.
Now where did I put those keys?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
ADULT ADHD CHRISTMAS BLUR
©By; Tracy Nicolaus

I GOT GREAT GIFTS FROM U.P.S. AND QUICKLY OPENED THEM ALL.
WHO ON EARTH COULD WAIT TILL CHRISTMAS? BUT I DID GET TO THE MALL!
I BOUGHT A BUNCH OF PERFECT THINGS, AS SWEET AS THEY COULD BE,
THAT AND A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF IS UNDERNEATH MY TREE.
I HAVE ALL MY DECORATIONS, WRAPPING PAPER TOO,
BUT I FORGOT TO BUY SCOTCH TAPE SO I'M GONNA USE HOT GLUE.
WHEN I WENT TO GET THE GLUE GUN OUT, I FOUND ALL MY OLD BEADS,
SO I THOUGHT I'D MAKE SOME JEWELRY, THATS WHAT EVERYONE NEEDS!
AND THEN I DID MORE SHOPPING, CAUSE I FORGOT TO MAKE A LIST,
SEE I WAS GETTING CARDS FROM PEOPLE THAT IT SEEMS I MUST HAVE MISSED.
AND I HAVE ALL OF MY CHRISTMAS CARDS, STAMPS, AND EVEN A PEN,
I MEANT TO GET THEM OUT LAST WEEK, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.
THESE ARE THE CARDS I BOUGHT LAST YEAR, BUT NEVER GOT THEM OUT,
I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T SEND THEM, WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?
MOST OF THE TIME, IT'S NOT TO ROUGH, TO HAVE THIS ADD,
BUT LATELY I'M AS SCATTERED AS A HUMAN GIRL CAN BE!
I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE TIME GOES, WITH THIS CRAZY HYPER-FOCUS!
I'D LOVE TO GET THE WRAPPING DONE, BUT I'M OUT OF HOCUS POCKUS!
AND MY HUSBANDS ABOUT HAD IT, HE CANNOT FIND HIS CHAIR,
I SWEAR IT'S IN THE LIVING-ROOM, BENEATH THE CRAP IN THERE.
SOME PEOPLE GET THE BLUES AT CHRISTMAS, WELL I SURE DON'T! DO YOU?
I JUST GET BEHIND ALOT, BUT THERES NOT MUCH I CAN DO.
SEE THE FOLKS THAT TRULY LOVE ME, UNDERSTAND ME VERY WELL,
THEY KNOW I HAVE THE BEST INTENTIONS, AND THEY HARDLY EVER YELL,
WHEN I SHOW UP LATE TO PARTYS, FORGET TO BRING THE PIE,
THEY HAVE LEARNED THAT THOUGH I'M WONDERFUL, THEY JUST CAN NOT RELY,
ON ME AROUND THE HOLIDAYS, TO GET ALL THIS STUFF DONE,
BUT I SWEAR THIS YEAR I'LL SEND EACH CARD AND GIFT, YES EVERY ONE!
SINCE TOMORROW NIGHT IS CHRISTMAS EVE, I THINK STUFF MIGHT BE LATE,
BUT THERE SUCH CUTE CARDS, I PERSONALLY THINK, THEY ARE WORTH THE WAIT!
SO BE GENTLE WITH US SPECIAL PEOPLE WHO HAVE THIS A.D.D.,
WE MAY BE A LITTLE SIDEWAYS, BUT WERE FUN! JUST LOOK AT ME!
YES WERE THE ONES THAT YOU CAN THANK FOR DRAGGING THE HOLIDAYS OUT.
WHEN YOU GET YOUR GIFT IN APRIL, YOU'LL SEE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
IT'S THOSE SHOES! ODE TO WWW.FLYLADY.COM
©By; Tracy Nicolaus

It’s those shoes, it’s those shoes, it’s those shoes I yell,
Before those darn shoes, all here was well!
But now I’ve done opened up Pandora’s Box,
For when I wear shoes, I must wear some socks!

Stealing my husbands worked for a while,
My morning routine left me wearing a smile.
The laundry caught up each day like a blink,
Waking up every morning to a bright shining sink.

My timer was set to 15 minutes flat,
I moved through the house, cleaning this tossing that.
This FlyBabys progress went straight to my head,
With a whole month behind me of making my bed.

So I went out last week to buy me some shoes,
The lace up kind, I found pink, I found blue.
I brought them both home and my husband was glad,
For he saw it all coming and he knew I’d been had.

Well this morning I found out why he’d been so smug,
As I made up the bed and I straightened the rug.
I grabbed my pink shoes and I went to MY drawer…
He just stood there watching, I hadn’t done THIS before!

A gasp of horror came from my lips,
As I tried quickly to close it, but out came the slips,
Bathing suits jumped up with shorts close behind,
Weird things were flying, it just blew my mind.

Oh help me FlyLady I just can not see.
I’m stuck here in fear, what will happen to me?
My timer wont work it’s too much to face,
Paralyzed in my tracks and feeling disgraced!

So I’m off to the store, yes to buy more.
I mean after all that’s what money is for!
I want pink ones and blue ones with a sweet ruffled hem,
But I need your advise, I have no where to put them?
__________________________________________________________________

	THE HONOR OF MENTORSHIP BY: TRACY NICOLAUS Written for the fall issue of FOCUS Magazine. I was at a pizza party for a friend’s birthday recently. At the end of the table was a high chair, attempting to hold a wild toddler. Within an hour, I’d seen him throw pizza on the floor, spill 3 water glasses, and fling a dough ball. He was getting highly agitated at his confinement and soon was in a full blown tantrum. I had known this single young mom for months but had not met her child. I recognized the horror on her face as he threw a huge glob of ice cream on the gentleman seated behind him. I had that same look myself, 22 years ago when my son was that age. I asked her if I could take him for a walk. Relieved, frazzled, and close to tears, she said "PLEASE! He began squirming ferociously in my arms. I was able to keep him fascinated for nearly 2 minutes with the twirling pizza guy, but then... he smacked me, square in the face with his sticky hand. I took his arm and firmly said "hitting is not O.K.!" to which he replied "MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" Mommy came running. I calmly told her what happened and asked to take him outside, she agreed. We stood outside the glass door so Mom could see (leaving my husband behind for collateral). For the next 25 minutes I was in a time warp. I remembered the years of coping with stares from strangers, the feelings of being a "bad mom" and thinking "what is wrong with my child?" I had forgotten how long and loud a 2 year old ADHD toddler can fight. What was different this time? I had nothing but patient love for the boy. When Mom did come out, we had a long talk. I was able to affirm her, and encourage her. I had been where she was and survived, therefore she trusted me. What an honor it was to pass along hope to one who felt hopeless. I gave a gift to her that I had only dreamed of. A mentor. Someone who understood. Someone who’d learned the hard way, but had pioneered a trail for others to follow. How I had yearned for someone like that. At the end of the night, it was Mom I was holding as she cried. Tears of gratitude and relief. As our friendship grows, I have re-lived my past from a new perspective. Listening to hysterical moment to moment living keeps me humbled. I am able to share that one day, she may look back at this time and her spirit will soar! For she is here. Every second being completely saturated into her soul! Being with an ADHD human puts anyone smack dab in the middle of the universal power of life. Nothing on the planet is like it! You know your alive, you feel it, you are present for each and every second. I remember those days that lasted forever, coping, wondering if either of us would survive. Here I am, calm (as long as I remember to take my meds) and delighted that the son who’d seemed determined to destroy us, is completing his masters degree in Humanitarianism, with an ephasis on performing arts and activism. I am able to gift these newcomers with perspective and laughter; they gift me with the fresh breath of life’s energy, that I thought I never wanted to see again. Lately I have become a frantic mom magnet. How odd and wonderful. I am honored to be available for them, it was my wish to receive mentorship, my wish has come true, but as the giver instead of the receiver; thus completing the circle. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Single mothers song (Every word of it true) ©By; Tracy Nicolaus Clutter clutter everywhere, the brush is missing I can’t comb my hair. The dishes stink, the dog has fleas, The walls are gross, this dust makes me sneeze. Sunflower shells, popsicle sticks, Pieces of paper, the sink has oil slicks. Toothpaste on the bathroom floor, Mudpies on the bedroom door. Forks in the garden, trucks in the drain, I look around at a house gone insane. The grass is dying, sprinklers are broke, Daisies long gone from weeds murderous choke. My car windows smeared with kids’ dirty prints, My sock drawer is empty but one hairy pink mint. My fridge is most empty, just no time to shop, These messes keep growing, I CAN’T MAKE THEM STOP! My kids just don’t care, they like messy hair, My neighbors come over and openly stare. My youngest is naked, streaking the street, And in the fridge there’s green fuzz on the meat. Dead crickets are floating in a sweet pickle jar, It’s been 30,000 miles since an oil change in my car. My bills are all covered with crayon drawn notes, The hall bathroom toilet’s where one tennis shoe floats. Today I will work another 12-hour day, Cause single mothers don’t have time to play. I’ll walk in the door past the sweet disarray, And my beautiful boys will have so much to say. “Mom can you read this?” “Mom look at me!” “Mom will you help please?” “Mommy wants tea!” “Mom come and kiss me!” “Mommy let’s cook!” “Mom what’s this word in my fairy tail book?” Since the house and yard don’t care, I think it would be all right, If I slid off my shoes, ignored all the chores and spent time with my children tonight. Tracy Nicolaus is a freelance writer from Northern California. She is an artist, a published author, lyricist, and singer. Tracy was diagnosed with adult ADHD in the late 1980s. She has three beautiful adult sons, 2 with ADD and one with ADHD.