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Thursday, August 04, 2011

Where are my poems?


Writing about writing I got distracted yet again
my email dinged and when I checked, I saw a letter from a friend.
"I went to show my girlfriend a poem you once posted,
but I couldn't find it anywhere?" "Have no fear" I boasted!
"I'll send a link right over, I'll find it in a snap"
but when I went to get it, I knew I'd need a map.
How does this blog function? Where the hell is that one post?
I shuffled through for hours, she called, I said "almost!"
I know I'm getting closer, but the dates are all a mess,
I never thought about, how this blog works, I must confess.
So please feel free to help out, if you see where I went wrong,
then next time we look for something, it won't take us so damn long.
Thank you for your cooperation

Thursday, March 17, 2011

ADHD by me?

I got an e-mail from a friend, when I logged on this morning
another mom whose just like me, I knew it wouldn't be boring
Her son like mine hyperactive and wild, fearless, out of control
I read her wonderful poem, I knew she was hot, on a roll!
Of course because of my own ADHD I skipped the before and after
I wanted to get to the good stuff, she always brought me to laughter
I smiled and sighed as I read the words, her talent of sharing so great
she did understand how hard it was raising boys like ours, what a fate.
So I took the poem to my husband, he listened like he already knew
I asked him if he'd read it before, he said "Yep, it was written by you."

HA HAAA! Thanks for the e-mail Angel.

My ADHD eyes skipped right over the part talking about me :^)
I thought, man we sure think alike LOL I love you woman!

Female Sex Addict, time to heal.

How to eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

A woman overcoming sexual addiction.

So my dream of writing a book? I'm doing it. One page at a time.
I have 100 pages done. It's only taken two years. One page at a time. An ADHD person like me needs to remember to take small bites. I also need to remember where I left the elephant so when I go back tomorrow I will be able to do it one more time.

I am writing about my travels through childhood abuse, humor, love and trauma. Through the eyes of an ADHD child.
Into my quest for self satisfaction which, for me, took the form of multiple marriages, alcoholism and sex addiction. But as I find more and more over the years, sex addiction is not about sex, it's about intimacy. Seeking love and acceptance from the outside because the fear is, I am nothing inside and the terror feels overwhelming.

Over the past eight plus years, I've worked with thousands of women from every walk of life. The female sex addict. What an interesting concept.

What do you see when you hear the words "sex addict?" The guy in the long black trench coat flashing innocent women and children? The pedophile? The man alone at his computer masturbating to porn for hours on end? Yes, these are true images.

What you may not see is the women. Not the sex crazed nymphomaniac that first pops into mind, not very often.
What does the female sex addict look like anyway? She may be your neighbor, your co-worker, your blogger, your mom.

I will be getting further into this topic. But for now here is what I want to say; as a recovering sex addict.
I know my sickness is based in;
Shame. Shame of who I thought I was, not who I truly am.
Fear. The fear I'm unworthy of love. Fear that you will see the real me and abandon me.
Defensiveness. Feeling the world is attacking me and I am never safe.
Black or white. Never knowing how to live in the perfect shades of grey, the shades of moderation.

It is time for a REAL woman with a REAL sex addiction to step forward and tell her story. I am that woman. I made up my mind. in order to heal, and make it safe for other women (and men) to heal, I must be willing to be transparent. If I tell the truth, I make it safe for you to tell the truth.

Sex, flirtation, seduction on so many levels, these were my coping tools. I have put them down. Now it's just me. Raw. You will be seeing more of me, the real me, as time come.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

For some weird reason I woke up with a brand new set of eyes
apparently the ones I'd had couldn't see through my own lies
Denial and excuses justified my crazy mess
"I'm ADHD, you surely see, there is no guilt here to confess."
My bedroom floor was littered with laundry, shoes, and crap
and when I looked out to the hallway, I knew I'd need a map
to find my way around the place, my god I'd need a shovel
and a giant dumpster to get through all the piles of rubble
and then I'd use the leaf blower to get cobwebs dust and hair
it disgusted me to think I lived in this dismal filthy lair
So I got out my egg timer and had it set for fifteen minutes
I picked one corner of my room and I just dove right in it
I did this for some hours and do you know what I found
that giant mess was not so tough I could freely move around
I wouldn't say it sparkled but it was so much better
I felt a freedom and a happiness I was floating like a feather
but that was many weeks ago and it seems my new eyes are failing
so heres fifty bucks, back up your trucks, so we can all start bailing
and when were done I'll be the one sitting smugly on the curb
see I figured out with an empty house that cleaning is absurd
so join me on the floor here, please have a cup of tea
oh maybe not, I've thrown out my pot...
say, can you please feed me?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

What if I'd have given up?





By; Tracy Nicolaus

What if I said "I have to given up?"
Said "I can't do this"
or completely cracked up?

What if they'd taken him away from me,
what might have happened?
Who would he be?

Another mom would have tried to mold him,
stuffed him into a box,
perhaps badgered or scold him.

A different parent might not have seen,
that special something,
that spark or that gleam.

He would have been told to act like the others,
he would have been held down,
his sweet genius smothered.

There is no mold for an ADD child.
Their beauty's unique
they are born to be wild.

Wild to create, to think differently,
drawing outside the lines,
where his mind could run free.

His spirit would have never survived,
He would never have flourished,
never have thrived.

I guess I was chosen, hand picked for this kid.
I'm glad I stood by him let him be what he is,
gave him the space because look what he did;

He is changing the planet one note at a time,
He's a man thats respected, loved and admired,
composing great music, song, dance and rhyme.

directing our consciousness to uncharted places
to new ways of listening, where music embraces
were seeing the spirit behind those poor boxed in faces.

Yes I'm glad it was me, I'm glad he was mine,
as tough as it seemed, even when lost at times,
I was allowed to witness a brand new design.

No other like him, one of a kind
I did something right, he was never confined.


Tuesday, September 08, 2009

ADHD To Do lists

So I've been spinning my wheels a bit as of late. Don't get me wrong, I am actually accomplishing more now than I ever have.

I've been to Canada where I recorded a CD and I'm going back this fall to do the music video for the title track.
I have joined an amazing writers group and am (very slowly) writing my auto-biography.
We have remodeled a couple rooms and oh my God, FINALLY finished the backyard waterfall!
I don't feel humiliated when someone attempts to walk through my front door anymore, there is a path now.
I'm working with lots of addict and alcoholic women and spent the past 18 months caring for my infant grand daughter.

MAN when you put it down, I HAVE gotten a lot accomplished!

So tomorrow is my 5th wedding anniversary. My husband is my hero... also my nemesis. You see he has OCD.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He likes things CLEAN, squeaky clean. Hates clutter, freaks him out.

Now mind you he knew exactly what he was getting into when he married me. I told him straight up "I don't clean and I don't cook, but other than that I'm perfect." So I don't lay guilt trips on myself, but... well I am pretty messy.

Like for instance, I start gardening and leave the tools and piles of weeds out on the lawn.
I start the laundry and smell something musty a few days later.
If I actually wash AND dry the clothes, they generally sit in a huge heap collecting wrinkles for weeks on end.
But I do put dishes in the dishwasher every few days and usually put them away in the cupboards. So I'm pretty stoked about that.

Now the kitchen table is a wonderful spot to keep... well everything. Makes it easier to find stuff than having to like walk all the way down the hall to get a hairbrush or a shoe or hammer. But if I keep everything in one location it's way easier to find.

For example, we are going camping in a week or two or whenever, anyway I have been in the garage hunting up the camping gear and ya know what I found? All my old crafting boxes! It was so cool!

I got this awesome idea for a wall hanging and drug one of the boxes into the house. It wouldn't actually fit on the kitchen table so I just put it on a chair for the time being.

Unfortunately My husband put the scissors away, and I couldn't find them. So I grabbed my keys and ran up to Walmart to get some new ones.

It's one of those Super Walmarts and has tons of stuff!

I got a couple of pop-up books for the baby and some really cheap biking shorts for myself (I don't bike but they were such a great deal) and I remembered that I was supposed to get floor mats for my car. While I was in the auto section my attention was hooked by the neatest seat covers! They have those Hawaiian flowers all over them. I wasn't sure if they would fit so I went and got one of those tape measures from the craft isle which reminded me to get the scissors. Thankfully I also remembered tomorrow was our anniversary and picked up a cake mix (I do bake on special occasions).

Now I have a history with stores. Not a particularly good history. Kind of a love hate thing going there. So I have a dear friend that I call when I get trapped. It's hard for me to know where the line of insanity shopping is though. Generally when I start crying for no reason or find myself staring an any one object for more than fifteen minutes or so, it's time to make the call.

"Laura? Laura? Help. I walked in and I can't get out."
"Where are you Tracy?"
"Walmart."
"Super or regular?"
"Super."
"Okay hon, stop for a minute. Do you know what time it is?"
"Um no." Honestly! She knows perfectly well I don't have a watch! Stores are like casinos, they don't have the time flashing around, they create an atmosphere of timelessness. I had my cell phone in my hand, but I'd have to hang up on her to find out what time it was.
"It's like eight at night. What time did you leave home? Have you eaten? Do you need to pee? Have you had anything to drink in the last few hours?"

BAM It hits me, I've been in that damn store for 3 hours wandering aimlessly. I DID have to pee and my eyes were dry from dehydration. It's always difficult for me to tell if I'm hungry or not but I had a vague memory of cereal. I couldn't swear if it was today though. Anyway, I only tell you this because it's always a good idea to have a friend for such emergencies. I have called her many times in tears, dazed and confused and she won't hang up until I'm safely out.

So I got home with my $213.44 pair of scissors plus assorted other necessities that actually did fit on the kitchen table. I was too tired to work on the project or bake the cake and I needed food. I grabbed a handful of tootsie rolls (Walmart $2.88) and a pepsi and sat down to relax.

Now I've been meaning to download some "To Do" lists to help me stay focused, so I grabbed my trusty laptop and began the search. I won't bore you with the details but lets just say it was similar to my Walmart experience.

I did find some lists and as I downloaded them I heard the familiar "bing" saying I'd gotten an e-mail. I checked through the thirty seven I hadn't opened yet today and found one from my friend Angel. She is a fellow blogger and mommy traveler through the ADHD realm. She was spared having the dis-order herself, but her delightful son Damien has enough for the both of them.

"Where are you?"
Thats all it said. Angel, another savior from cyber space with a loving reminder to get my butt back to reality, well virtual reality anyway.

So here I am. Happily posting this for you. Unfortunately the cake will not get baked tonight. I can't even see over the kitchen table. I have completely forgotten what my idea for the stupid wall hanging was or where I was going to hang it for that matter.
My husband may seriously be wondering if he will let me survive to see our sixth anniversary and I STILL have to fill out those damn "To Do" lists.

But first I need to go find the nail polish remover.

Until next time

Blessings from my ADHD head to yours

Monday, May 25, 2009

Go away! But not too far.

I have been MIA as of late.

I am a Cancer the crab and perhaps it's in the stars as to why I want to hide out in my shell. That is how I feel, hiding in my dark little corner of the world.

I'm not depressed (thank God!), busy, but I don't want to answer my phone, post on ANY of my sixteen (true) websites, text, or e-mail, IM, chat.

I've missed way to many meetings of my writers group, and I LOVE those people!

I want to avoid my 12 step meetings, but they keep me alive.

I even fantasize about ditching sponsees.

I sure the hell don't want to be here blogging about how I hate blogging right now.

But vent I must or burst I shall.

I LOVE my friends, fans, and loved ones. I want only happiness for them. I just don't want to talk to them.

Am I odd?

Am I rude?

I had this weird vertigo thing for like two months (PBBV google it) and I couldn't drive, had to stay in bed, what a great opportunity to catch up right? Nope. I wanted to go to a games website and play Yahtzee or Sorority on Facebook. Stupid crap. Mindless. Anonymous on the net where nobody could find me. But NO! Anyone on the planet can track me down, google me and BAM there I am!

My phone has a minimum of ten messages a day, my e-mail is spilling over the edge of my laptop. I CAN'T KEEP UP!

AHHHHHH

Are the days of peace and quiet gone forever?

Do you remember a time before answering machines? I miss those days sometimes. We could hide for weeks, months.

When I didn't have a phone or it was out of order the mail was the only solution (mail is that funny paper thing in envelopes for you younger folks). My God it was as slow as the pony express, how lovely.

But then technology arrived and every one of my personalities embraced it. My ADHD head went insane with the possibilities! Three personal web pages, a podcast, two Myspace band pages, totally different music and I'm the solo artist on both. Composer, lyricist, singer, and all the musicians. My two photography websites, Facebook, the video I'm working on for a friend, 12stepradio.com where I am an administrator and all the other numerous websites where I'm holding daily conversations with hundreds of people. Am I freakin crazy??? Jeeeeezz do NOT even get me started with Twitter!

I'm loosing it here folks.

Maybe thats it. My mind needs down time? Oh wait... I was sick with another UTI from hell that ate antibiotics for breakfast. A fever, yeah, thats it! THATS why I went into seclusion.

Thank God my husband got laid off and has been under foot for like eight weeks. Without him, I'd have never eaten.

Were going to San Diego next week. My niece is getting married. I will be with my WHOLE family. Step mom, real mom, step dad, real, dad, second husbands brothers sons daughter, whatever, you get the big picture right?

And here I am, not drinking. Tho a drink sounds pretty damn good right now. But I'm not throwing away six and a half years of sobriety just yet. As they say... this too shall pass.

So in thirty days I will be in a studio in Nova Scotia recording my first CD, exciting? Hell yes! Terrifying? Hell yes!

The book I'm writing is coming along beautifully. But this one feels like I'm terrified of success not failure. So I find reasons not to write.

I have been juggling twenty-seven balls and I'm tired damnit!

I said FREEZE!!!

Took a snapshot of where all the balls are and now I'm going to take a nap.

The boys are coming up from the bay area for a visit in a few hours.

Maybe when I feel up to it, I'll jump right back in where I left off. Maybe I will drop all the balls except the CD, I don't know.

When I come up for food or air, I'll let you know. In the meanwhile,

just know that I'm alive and all the me's are well, my therapist said so!

Monday, October 27, 2008

How to write a book

How to write a book..... How to write A book... one book, hmmm maybe thats the problem here. I have several books being written, all in the early stages, tho one of them would be complete if only I had a analytical, utterly bored, computer savvy editor that works pro bono until my book begins making millions.

I have a "thoughts for today" type of thing going. On one of the recovery websites (12stepradio.com) there is an "inspirational" forum. Well over a year ago I began doing these thoughts for the day. It never occurred to me to keep them organized, duh!
So now I have pretty much enough to create the book but I'd have to go into each day one at a time, copy and paste it onto some sort of book like format.

People in 12step recovery love those suckers! They eat 'em up. Hazelton makes a buttload of money on them. But here mine sits gathering dust.

I also have a kind of children's book that is so awesome I can't believe I wrote it (or am in process anyway). It's about a little ray of sunlight that Father Sun sends down to earth to inhabit a human body and remind all the people who have forgotten who they are that they all come from Him.... breath, run on sentence much? Anyway it goes into Raya's (the hero) head and shows how her "computer like" mind (oh and there are all sorts of cool characters in her head) try to get her to believe she is only human. She has angels and fairies and pixies that help her along her journey. Doesn't that sound cool?

The third one is called "My Sponsor the sex addict" and it follows a long distance sponsor - sponsee's emails back and forth from the beginning of her addiction, to the end of her recovery. But of course who knows, she may off herself, her sponsor may relapse, anything could happen. This is a true story with the actual e-mails and oh my God is it cool! Very funny, frightening and sad. Lots of insight and excitement.

So here they all sit on my little laptop, in 6 journals, on napkins, torn pieces of paper and many times the back of my hand waiting for a miracle to drop out of the sky and say "Here Tracy, let me see what you have and I will format everything for you. You just send me the stuff as you go darling, I'll do the rest.

I won't even begin to tell you all how many poems, lyrics, and short stories I have sprawled out all over the universe!

I look at angels blog "angels mind" (how do you do that link thingy? Oh well it's over there on the left). She does like maybe 3 blogs, but primarily ONE, and she does it SO well! If I combined all my websites, blogs, writings, music, singing, art, photography into one spot... well the internet would explode.

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!

So I guess I should have named this "How not to write a book" Or "How to think about writing a book" or "How and ADHDer writes books". But I will get back to you on the title, I'm in the middle of tie dying some sheets, painting my toenails, and I've had to pee for like 20 minutes.

Oh cool look! A butterfly.....




YAY AN UPDATE!
Okay so I've never updated one particular portion of my blog (obviously, THAT would make too much sense) but I'm attempting it here. We shall see how it works.

So, for the past couple years I've been going to a weekly writers group. They are amazing and help me with semi-colon's (is that spelled right?) and SPELLING! They are also amazing cheerleaders, encouraging me constantly to keep going.
The cool thing is, because I have to read a 4 to 8 page chapter to them every week, I find myself writing every week.

The meeting is at six pm Thursdays, so at 3 pm Thursdays I freak the hell out, scramble around and pump something out, print seven copies, staple each one, and run out the door five minutes late. Fortunately I drive entirely too fast so end up arriving early. The whole, last minute thing works for me. PRESSURE! It really works folks.

The name of the book has changed to "Her Sex Addict Speaks" and it is creative non fiction, which basically means it's my life story and what I can't exactly remember, I make up. :D Little is made up though I promise. It shows my journey from sexual abuse into my addiction and drinking and then into recovery. Frankly I must tell you, it's FREAKIN AWESOME!

So usually seven of us show up on any given Thursday. They write their comments, suggestions and make grammatical corrections on their copies and return them to me after a short critique. I got pissed and defensive at first but soon realized I didn't know diddly squat and they really wanted to help. So I appreciate it now. I'm supposed to be taking the copies home and editing my original from them, thus completing a chapter. Then I should be throwing away all the copies and keeping the one good copy all chronologically ordered with the others. NOT HAPPENING.

What I now have is a huge box filled with two years worth of drafts, seven or eight copies, all different, piled in a box. Ugh! There is no order. I made a lame attempt to put them into three piles, before, during and after. Eh, whatever.

It didn't matter because I was so smart. I knew I emailed each chapter to my husbands computer to print for me, so at I'd ALWAYS have those original copies. YES! I rock! Then, his hard drive crashed and he lost half the book. But WAIT... maybe I have them in a sent file on my computer? No of course not. Why would I think like a normal person. So here I am with like thirty little chapters all out of order, multiple copies, some on this computer, others on that computer, some growing gnarly teeth in a box and some on a jump drive which I'm sure is SOMEWHERE in my car.

But folks, even though I'm feeling very overwhelmed and like I can't do it, I keep plugging away. I'm not worrying (much) about the monster box looming over me. Nor do I think about the timeline and story board I should have done two years ago. Of course I COULD do it now, but then you'd miss out on todays update right? My five readers; I'd never do that to you.

Soooo How to write a book if you're ADHD?
  1. Focus on one book or article. Don't worry about the four great stories in the drawer. They will be there after you're done.
  2. Get involved in a writers group you're accountable to that cheers you on.
  3. Edit immediately after you get revisions and corrections.
  4. Trust your gut, listen and let others help and give you feedback, but don't lose your voice or style in the process. I learned that one the hard way.
  5. For God sakes, keep copies in coherent order. Keep an update on a jump drive with every new chapter.
  6. Create folders #1 Original drafts #2 Edited drafts #3 Final drafts #4 REALLY final drafts #5 I'm so done with these chapters.
  7. Try not to interrupt the creative process with logic. nuff said

So I really am learning how to write a book, and babies, it's gonna be AMAZING when it's done!!!
It will get done by golly. Just you wait and see. I CAN DO THIS!

Until next time, keep on writing!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I want a 1950s wife!

Every now and then I get to view the world through a normie's eyes.
What the world looks like to the a non ADHDer.
Well as I sit here taking an honest appraisal of what is in my vision,
I'm backsliding. The Fly Lady would not be pleased with me.

I don't want to be a slob...
I wanna be like her!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


My kitchen table is underneath a bunch of stuff, I think.
Laundry piled up so high it's giving me nightmares.
Baby crap (not literal, you know, toys and stuff) everywhere.
Books, magazines, dirty dishes, smudged windows and the dust.
oye vey we won't even go there, or in the bathrooms for that matter.
Yet here I sit typing away about it and it's not getting any better at all!

I HATE that!

I need a wife... a 1950s wife with pearls and heals.

She can be black and white or color, it doesn't matter to me.

I'd smell the pot roast and potatoes cooking in the oven,
I'd smell things like, like, CLEAN!

Damn... why do I have to do EVERYTHING myself!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





I WANNA 1950s WIFE!!!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

An interesting perspective

I was talking to Cody today (27 years old as of this writing) and mentioned the skipping of 6 weeks of school from the earlier post. He said "Oh yeah! That was a very important part of my formative education! Watching MTV. Watching the musicians and singers and performances, learning my trade in the best way possible. I would have just learned a bunch of nonsense in school that I would have never used."

Now I would have NEVER thought of it that way, not in a million years.

Can you see how his head is working here? Brilliant.

I saw a disobedient, lazy, lying, sneaky kid. I saw from a single moms perspective.
It was all about me.
How would I look to others?
What would happen to me if he got caught not going to school?
And the most destructive of all...
"I'm a bad mom cause I'm not home with him. If only I were a "normal" mom."

So Cody, thank you once again for letting me off the hook of guilt and remorse (tho I don't spend much time there today), this was a tough one.

I like the new perspective much better.

If I had it to do over again would I do anything different? Most likely not! I'd still be furious. but alas, I am a work in progress.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

How can I kill you now my child
tho you've spun me out once more
you drive me crazy, mad and wild
yet I'm laughing on the floor

That smile of yours and quirky ways
humor with perfect timing
can quench a fire in a full blown blaze
so I'm not killing, just simply rhyming

You've escaped my wrath now go out and play
and I'll let you live for one more day.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

To kill or not to kill? Conversations with an anonymous mom

Dear Anonymous,
Reading your e-mail this morning reminded me of something that happened a long time ago that I had totally forgotten about.
I think Cody was about 8. I was at wits end. I called The California State Child Protective Services hotline.
Here is what the conversation sounded like.

CPS: "Child Protective Services, how can I help you."
Tracy: (crying) "Can you please come and get my son?"
CPS: "OK mame, calm down and tell me what has happened"
Tracy: "Well nothing yet, but I don't know for how much longer"
CPS: "Are you and the child in immediate danger? Do you need the police?"
Tracy: "No. I just can't take it anymore"
CPS: "Can't take what mame?"
Tracy: (Hysterical now) "My son, he's ADHD and he's driving me crazy! I'm afraid I'm going to kill him!"
CPS: (Long pause) "Mame, are you seriously going to kill your son?"
Tracy: "Well.... no, but I can't do this anymore! Can't you please just come get him?"
CPS: (A bit sarcastic) "And just what would you expect us to do with him?"
Tracy: "I don't know, give him to some nice foster family with a mom and a dad that aren't crazy?"
CPS: "I'm sorry but CPS does not do pick ups for mothers who can't handle their children."
Tracy: "Well what DO YOU DO THEN?"
CPS: "We are called out when there is a report of abuse or neglect."
Tracy: "So your telling me I need to abuse him FIRST... THEN call you?"
CPS: "Good bye mame." click

At the time, I was 100% serious!
Looking back on it today, it's pretty damn funny. It is also sad that a mom has to get to that point.
And thank God they didn't come and pick him up. I managed to make it another 24 hours and we survived to fight another day.


You also mentioned that Chad is starting intermediate school. Heres another little tale for you.
When Cody was 12 I registered him in a new school (Jr. High here, 7th and 8th grade combo). I had a job by that time and would drop him at the bus stop every morning on my way to work. In the evening I'd ask if he'd had a good day, did he have homework, the usual. He told me he had been able to keep up and do it at school so he didn't have homework. I was relieved to say the least.

Well about 6 weeks into the school year I got a call from the attendance secretary. She asked me where I had decided to send Cody? I was baffled and asked her what she was talking about. She told me that he had never made it to the school. Not ONCE in 6 weeks, they had just assumed I had enrolled him elsewhere. She said she had called and left messages several times over the weeks.

So I kept my mouth shut and acted like everything was normal. The following morning I took him to the bus stop and drove away. I parked my car around the corner and peered around a fence to see what would happen. As the bus pulled up, he disappeared into the bushes. After it drove off, out he came headed back toward home on foot. I stealthily followed him and watched as he unlocked the door and vanished into the livingroom. I waited a few minutes and then went in. There he was, sprawled out on the sofa, Pepsi and chips in hand watching music videos.

I won't bore you with the explosion, but needless to say he managed to find his way to school from that day forward.

Honestly, surviving an ADHD child is a war zone. The only reprieve is that they have an innate ability to crack you up and melt all your pissed-off-ness in a heartbeat. They are charming, funny and have very tended hearts. It is indeed a challenging tightrope to navigate as a parent.

To kill or not to kill... that is the question

Monday, October 13, 2008

Please help me! I have an ADHD son and I think I'm going crazy!

Every now and then life hands you some remarkable tidbit that you can scan right over if your not paying attention. But if your fortunate enough to be awake when it appears, you can grasp on and go for the ride of your life.

I recently received one of these golden opportunities.

It came in the form of an anonymous SOS thru this blog. A desperate mom...

She has graciously agreed to allow our e-mails to be shared here in the hopes that some other hurting parent may stumble upon them and find some strength, hope and humor to get them through. We also hope that you will post your ideas, inspirations and support in the comments section.

This will be an ongoing process. I know nothing of this lady as of yet but we are all kindred souls in this amazing journey.

It started very simply but my spirit felt her. The original email was..

FROM: Anonymous
OCT. 12 2008, at 2:01 PM


"Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "An Angel":

please get back to me and tell me your story my son is 11 and I feel like i am losing my mind sometimes. "

FROM: Tracy
OCT. 12 2008, at 6:52 PM


"Hey, I got your SOS and I'm here!
Your gonna be OK just hang on to your tiny little thread of hope.
I am taking off for a couple hours but will be home by 9 PM pacific
time.

Please tell me whats going on, I know you feel like your drowning
right now, I remember well, but your NOT alone out there.

Leave you number and a good time to call if you like as well. I will
try to get back to you ASAP.

When Cody was 11, I locked myself in the bathroom, put on a headset
of nice music, and soaked in a warm bubble bath...
I also cried.

You are much stronger than you think!

Tracy

FROM: ANONYMOUS
OCT. 12, 2008, at 6:52 PM,


Thank you my son is 11 and I am crying now. I feel like I am always
yelling and that he is always being punished. I am a single mom
with 3 children. One daughter has ADD she is 18 and my other daughter is
15 and she is the only one with out ADD or ADHD. My ex was just
diagnosed and my friends swear I have it. lol My phone number is
xxx-xxx-xxxx. Right now I am going to watch a movie with him.
But try me sometime tomorrow my cell is xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Thank you for writing back.

FROM: Tracy
OCT. 13, 2008, at 6:54 AM



I was a single mom of three boys. Cody had one of the worst cases of
ADHD the doc had ever seen. The others had ADD but not bad enough for
treatment.

You wrote "I feel like i am always yelling and that he is always
being punished"

Yes, I was always yelling too, and an amazing therapist told me to
look for the things Cody was doing right, ignore the bad stuff to the
best of my ability (in other words, choose your battles wisely). What
the therapist didn't understand is that I never could catch him doing
anything right!

So I had to start small... if he took his plate to the kitchen,
"Thank you sweetie for taking your plate to the kitchen, you really
are helpful".

For NOT yelling in the car "Cody, I really appreciate you talking in
such a calm tone, it helps me drive better and understand you more".

Of course at first, whenever I'd mention what he was doing right,
he'd act out Immediately, like in the car, he'd begin yelling.

He was uncomfortable and unfamiliar with my behavior so it was
understandable. I just ignored it and turned my attention elsewhere.
"Cody, isn't that the restaurant that had those horrible burgers? or
" Do you know what kind of tree that is?", after some time and TONS
of patience he began getting used to the positive affirmation and the
results were noticeable.

Since you have older kids, you will want to have them in on it.
As annoying as he may be to them, have them do as your doing.

The other thing we did was play a game together. Every time we went
thru a stop sign or a stop light and every time we walked thru a
door, we said "I'm valuable and lovable" OUT LOUD. Both of us. If you
can get the girls to do it as well, make it a family game it will
help. We felt totally stupid at first of course, then it was kind of
fun to beat the other to the punch, or catch one another forgetting.

ADHD folks are competitive, he will enjoy the game if you can get him
to buy into it. After some time, I really noticed a difference, in
myself primarily. I'm positive that it turned a huge corner for both
of us.

It was important for me to get a proper diagnosis as well. I began
taking medication and it was like someone had taken the hundreds of
puzzle pieces of my life and fit them all together. I distinctly
remember saying "Oh my God! This must be what everyone else feels
like!" I said it out loud in my living room, I was alone but it's one
of those memories that is etched into my soul permanently.

When my behavior cleared up, it was much easier to see the situation clearer.
I highly recommend that you get tested and treated. Keep in mind that
each person is unique. Getting the right combo. of meds can be trying
at best, but mostly very very frustrating. Be patient with yourself.

You are in the midst of what I called "the coping years". Cope. That
is the best we can do at times.

Never forget that Chad has more ability than disability. ADHD people
have some remarkable talents and gifts. Our job as parents is too
think outside the box. Give up the idea that he is ever going to be
like anyone else and it will take a lot of the pressure off of him.

I found a website that showed famous people with ADD... think I'll go
find it and post it.
Thank God for ADHD, these people bring color to our world.


Blessings
Tracy

P.S.
I have an idea I want to run by you.
How would you feel about my posting our e-mails back and forth on the
blog? Of course we can keep you anonymous if you like and change the
kids names. But the whole reason I post there is to help struggling
parents like us. In the same way you found me, others in need may
find help and hope from what happens here. Trial and error.
Mentorship. Identification. The reality that they are NOT going
crazy, they are NOT bad parents and they are NOT alone.

I am very happy to be here for you, I did it by myself and it was too
much for anyone to ever have to walk thru blindly, I nearly didn't
make it.

Another benefit might be that when people comment, we might get some
wonderful suggestions. I am willing to help you, are you willing to
become transparent and pay it forward?

Of course I will help you in any way I can regardless, but please think it over.
You and Chad are not the only ones suffering, lets see if we can bring in the village,
it will help everyone.

FROM: Anonymous
OCT. 13, 2008, at 6:54 AM


Yes, I would be more than happy to share my story with others like myself. It could only help me and others. I look forward to hearing what other parents go through then I'll feel it is not just me and my family. I love my kids so much I am willing to do anything for them. Thank you for letting me into your world. Let me no how to get started. I am a computer dummy beware. lol

FROM: Tracy
OCT. 13, 2008, at 12:28 PM
Anonymous replied later in the evening. (in bold)


Very cool,
OK I need some basic information from you.
Are you in the US? Yes
Does your local school district have a good program for kids with learning disabilities? Yes
Have you taken advantage of that? I had to be a fierce advocate for my son, you will fall through the cracks very quickly if you don't stay on top of it. Yes I did for my son and daughter.
Do you have a good relationship with his teacher? School? Yes
I went to the local college and put up fliers for a tutor. We found a WONDERFUL young lady that adored Cody and he really was open to learning. She was cheap too.
Is he on medication? Yes, Adderall xr
Is it working? Yes
Does he resist taking it? No he only takes it when school is in session
What methods have you tried? (allergy testing, organic foods, behavior modification) Through therapy
Have you been able to research the disorder? Yes, but I want to know more
Do you think you understand how your son views the world? No not at all I wish I could see it through his eyes and his mind
Has he been in any type of therapy, individual or family? All kinds, continuing
How is your medical coverage? Great
Through the State I found free programs, I found grants, studies, I went to UC Davis Medical center and asked about tutors, or interns who might need a lab rat :-), I was VERY resourceful.
How involved is his Dad? Every other weekend, that's it, no more.
Do you have a support system close by? Family? (I didn't, this was one of the most challenging things I faced). Not really mom does not understand thinks he in just fresh, among other things
Do you work? If so what kind of hours? 8-2:30 perfect. I work with preschool autistic I love it i am a paraprofessional
Do you do anything for yourself? (work out, tennis, bake, anything you find therapeutic and relaxing)? I walk alot, Go out with friends. I have the best friends ever. Date somewhat thats a joke.


Name the top things that are happening with Chad that are concerning you the most.
Chad just went to a new school it is intermediate school. He started very frustrated. I met with the teachers and he seems to be getting a little better. I know the first marking period was going to be rough.

His O.D.D is killing me. If i say black he says white. Argues most of the time but he will tell you he doesn't.

Chad is very athletic and is a caring boy. I am far from the perfect parent with my kids we are a very loud family one tries to speak over the other.

We all go to counseling. I have made many mistakes but I am trying to get better at the parenting stuff.

I have 3 great kids and people tell me so all the time so I know I'm doing something right. His temper tantrums are not as bad as they were. Through his counselor I have learned some techniques that have really worked. But he can turn my household upside down in a matter of seconds when he loses it.

But then there are stories that I could tell you that you would just sit back and laugh. My best Friend Anne and I are going to write a book about the life with chad. We are calling it the adventures of ChadMan. That is his nickname She gave that to him when he was little stuck ever since.

He does have an angel that watches over him. I used to tell the barber not to cut his horns off when cutting his hair. Chad is very honest that is one of his best qualities. He can snuggle up like no one else can and can make you laugh at almost anything. He has the cutest smile. He can charm the pants off you. All I want is for my kids to be happy in life. I am a outgoing happy person on the most part I pretty much smile through almost anything. All I need is a good cry and then I move on to the next thing. I do not drink nor do drugs pretty good huh.


Now I also want you to make a goal list. It can be totally crazy, it doesn't matter, write down everything you want. Mine looked something like this...
I want some time for myself to do nothing and not feel guilty
I want a nice boyfriend that likes my kids and doesn't mind helping
I want a housekeeper
I want a cook
Hell I want a 1950s WIFE! lol
I want a tutor for my son
I want to see my son experience success
I want to have time to pay attention to my other kids
I want to get massages, manicures and good hair cuts
I want a new car
I want more time to do fun things
I want a hot tub
I want to go to a warm tropical island with a hunk on vacation and not worry about my kids
I want all the broken crap in my house fixed
I want to be more organized
I want a job that pays well and has good benefits
I want my son to be liked by his peers at school
I want to sing, write and paint
I want to NOT KILL MY KID
I want to have hope
etc...

At the time I wrote this, a single mom, with a psycho ex-husband and a high school education on welfare,
I may as well have been asking for the moon.
I want you to know tho, that over time, I got every one of these (well except the cook and wife, bummer!)

Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it

My Goal List...........................
I want to give separate time to each one of my kids Alone time
I want to stop being a screamer in my house.
I want everyone to try to at least like each other. Someone is always arguing with someone.
I want all the stuff fixed in my house to although Rome was not built in a day
I want a YES man, lol, my friends say my standards are set a little to high
I want all of my children to finish school and go onto college and finish.
I want to go back to college and become a teacher
or an advocate for parents and children
I want to make all people smile and laugh
I want my van on PIMP my Ride
I want a hummer
I want someone to take care of me just once in awhile
Instead of hearing my Mom criticize... I want to hear her say, "Your doing a great job!"
I want a boob job, I hope I can say that
I want the facial hair that was not there before to go away and not come back.
I want my friend to be cancer free for ever
I want my friends who are unhappy with their lives, to get what the want and to smile again
I want my ex to spend more time with his kids.
I want to always be able to laugh at myself and to just laugh.
I want to be able to take the 5 steps forward and not feel like it's 10 steps back.
I want to know that I am not the only parent that goes though this


I am a single mother with thre children. I was a stay at home mom for 15 years. I was class mom, a girl scout leader, a soccer mom, call mom, PTA mom, you name it I was so involved with my kids life that I did not have my own. When I got divorced I had to get a job. Where does a 38 year old women who just went to high school and was a stay home mom get a job? Where else? The school. I was a lunch aid then I nagged them to become a a para professional. I have now been with the school for 4 years. I just got a contract with benefits yea!!!!!!!! I love what I do. It also allows me to be home when my kids are home... I can see all thier games. I am more fortunate than most. My parents are a big help finacially and just carting kids to appointments or games. My dad fixes things in the house mostly. I keep up with the house to. But some things you just need money to fix. Thank you for letting me write this and I hope in return I can meet parents who go through the same things I am going through. I always say when everyone is sleeping, that I have done my job! We made it through another day. Lets see what tomorrow brings.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Famous people with ADHD

Of course I have always seen my son as brilliant, annoying, but brilliant and knew that the way his head works could bring him great fame, fortune and happiness. I also know that the greatest men and women in history all had something in common, just like my child and I, they thought outside the box.

I have checked like 50 websites in the past few years and found this list to be pretty consistent. It doesn't surprise me at all. I can't say for certain that any of the historical people (dead ones) on this list had ADHD or ADD, but it makes a lot of sense. You be the judge.

Some, like Albert Einstein, if you pardon the expression, are no brainers. Their documented histories show that they had all the behaviors, symptoms and abilities that we ADHD people possess.

So, I am not claiming that this list is 100% accurate, but I'll bet it's damn close.

Albert Einstein
Ansel Adams
Ann Bancroft
Beethoven
Alexander Graham Bell
James Boswell
Sir Richard Francis Burton
President George Bush (both)
Admiral Richard Byrd
Lord Byron
Thomas Carlyle
Andrew Carnegie
Jim Carrey
Gen. H. Norman Charles
Thomas Chatterton
Samuel Clemens
Samuel T. Coleridge
Christopher Columbus
Tom Cruise
Leonardo da Vinci
Salvador Dali
Emily Dickinson
Patty Duke
Thomas Edison
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Ernest & Marel
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Edward Fitzgerald
Malcomb Forbes
Henry Ford
Rick Fox
Benjamin Franklin
Robert Frost
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Tom Gainsborough
Galileo
Bill Gates
Susan Hampshire
Handel
Mariette Hartley
Stephen Hawking
Wm Randolph Hearst
Ernest Hemingway
Bill Hewlett
Alfred Hitchcock
Dustin Hoffman
Thomas Jefferson
Bruce Jenner
"Magic" Johnson
Samuel Johnson
Michael Jordan
Carl Jung, M.D.
King Karl XI of Sweden
John F. Kennedy
Robert Kennedy
Jason Kidd
Evel Knievel
Bill Lear
John Lennon
Lewis and Clark
Carl Lewis
Abraham Lincoln
Luci Baines Johnson Nugent
Louis Pasteur
Gen. George Patton
H. Ross Perot
Gen. Norman Schwartzkopf
George C. Scott
George Bernard Shaw
Tom Smothers
Socrates
Steven Spielberg
Sylvester Stallone
Robert Louis Stevenson
Jackie Stewart
James Stewart
Richard C. Strauss
Lord Alfred Tennyson
Nicolai Tesla
Henry David Thoreau
Leo Tolstoy
Ted Turner
Vincent Van Gogh
Jules Verne
Werner von Braun
Lindsay Wagner
Mike Wallace
General Westmoreland
Weyerhauser Family
Walt Whitman
Jamie Williams
Robin Williams
Tennessee Williams
Woodrow Wilson
Henry Winkler
Stevie Wonder
Virginia Woolf
F.W. Woolworth
Wright Brothers
Vince Lombardi
Robert Lowell
James Clark Maxwell
Steve McQueen
Mozart
David H. Murdock
Napoleon
Nasser
Isaac Newton
Jack Nicholson
Anthony Hopkins
Howard Hughes
Nostradamus
Edgar Allan Poe
Cole Porter
Elvis Presley
Dan Rather
Buddy Rich
Eddie Rickenbacker
Guy Ritchie
Joan Rivers
John D. Rockefeller
Nelson Rockefeller
Pete Rose
John Ruskin
Nolan Ryan
Eleanor Roosevelt
Anwar Sadat
Pierre Salinger
Robert Schumann
Pablo Picasso
Charles Schwab
Michael Phelps
Ty Pennington (thanks for the update Angel)
Cody and ME!

Go ahead, add yourself or your kids name to this list... now go do something GREAT!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The ADHD clock

My husband has a new job that has really weird hours and keeps him out of town for a couple days at a time. I discovered something very interesting about my perception of time when I'm alone... namely, I have none.

When I'm home alone for any length of time something strange happens. It doesn't matter if the sun in at high noon or there is a lunar eclipse in progress, I have no concept of time. I feel like a ghost floating  around. Because there is no one to mirror life back at me, so I get aimless. Well, more aimless than usual.

There are ups and downs to this. The up side is, I can easily spend 14 hours playing a computer game, the down side is, I can easily spend 14 hours playing a computer game. I wander from room to room wondering what I'm doing. My chores are impossible to do. In fact the only way I can get anything done is by inviting a friend over to watch me do laundry or dishes.

 Isn't that odd?

One afternoon I was sitting on the patio with my friend, or was it morning? hmmmmm
Anyway where was I?
Oh yeah my friend!
She has known me for many years and I was telling her about something thrilling that had happened a couple days earlier. My husband walked outside as I was speaking and said "Tracy, that was like over a month ago!" Without hesitation, my friend said "Thats OK you've always been time challenged, it's no big deal, I'm used to it, go on." 

I was amazed. It's like all the sudden someone solved one of the largest mysteries of my life!

OK stay with me here for a bit.
It never occurred to me before that my concept of time was WAY off the mark prior to this. But instantly all the pieces began falling into place. 

Why I lie when I don't need to? Because I honestly don't remember or know! Years and years of being thought of as rebellious, stupid, and forgetful instantly made sense. I have always had this internal time shield. I have never viewed time as normal people do. Time isn't time to me. Not the way normies see it anyway.

So when my Mom said "Your room is a mess! What have you been doing all this time?" I'd have to come up with something plausible to satisfy her. "Aliens landed in the closet", "My friend came to the window covered in blood and I had to get her to the hospital", "The cat was mewing and I understood exactly what he was saying, HONEST!" (this has actually happened, but I don't take those kinds of drugs anymore), "I was secretly making a gift for you and if you don't get out at once, you will ruin the whole thing!" Anything, anything to make her stop the inquisition. Heck I had NO clue what I'd been doing. For all I could tell, it had only been seconds.

This is still really fresh for me and I don't have it all figured out yet, but I have begun trying to say the words that I've had difficulty saying in the past. Words like, "I'm sorry, I honestly don't remember when..." or, "You know, I have difficulty with time references, you could very well be right, I am probably mistaken." OUCH! Hard to say but freeing! 

Being honest is a nice feeling. But before I could get honest, I had to know I was lying. I had to stop assuming that everyone else was time retarded like I was and that they were all making it up as they went along too.

I had to admit that it's OK to not know.

So I hope this helps someone see inside our heads. Folks the cuckoo bird has taken a vacation from our inner clocks. 

Please don't ask us time related questions and expect any kind of accuracy. And for God sakes, if you want chores done, be sure it's done on the buddy system.

When you leave one of us home alone, were like dogs, we don't do time... but were always so happy when you come home to us.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Beatboxing flute

OK so check out what the kids latest gig is...
He got a flute at a thrift store and taught himself to play,
then he began doing beatboxing with it! His Dad was so
impressed, he went out and bought him a brand new flute.

Freakin amazing!
I LOVE my son!


Sweet alone time

I went to spend an hour alone
with my precious son,
within a few short minutes
I knew I'd come undone.

The energetic vampire
had sucked my patience out
and I found myself quite helplessly
chewing the darling child out

My God how did it happen?
My intentions were so good
he's really not a horrible kid
he's just misunderstood

But just the same I walked away
as he climbed another wall
I suppose an honorable retreat
ain't a bad deal after all

At least I think I can safely say,
we may live to try another day.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Baby pictures, cause God knows they are the cutest!



We could be twins! So what if there is no blood relation...



Here are my babes, Levi, Cody and Jason. Cody is holding
Aryan, Levis little baby boy. So sweet.



O.K. having a little fun with photoshop here



Aryans chubby face, 6 weeks old, what a hunk!

I think I'm gonna like this grandma thing a lot.
I'll tell ya this already, I love having the time to stop
and watch every second of them growing, what a blessing.

Friday, March 14, 2008

I get one more chance




















I get one more chance
By: Tracy Nicolaus

My baby had a baby
how did it go so fast?
He was in my lap just yesterday,
I thought that it would last.
Those years that took forever
the times I begged for speed,
oh to have those moments back,
as I sit here and reread,
A Mothers Day card from long ago
when he was barely seven,
he wrote that I was his hero,
a mommy sent from heaven,
Oh how could I waste those little years
God how I wish I could do it again
I'd pay more attention to his hopes and fears
I'd play more ball,
I'd play with His train,
if I could just do it over again...

But here is this infant,
looks just like his dad,
it may be Gods way,
to give me back what I had,
through the eyes of my past,
with a new grandmas heart,
I have one more chance
to make a fresh start.
This time I will stop,
be present, right there,
re-read Hop on Pop,
now it's my time to share,
The one thing missing.
from my own grown sons years,
all the time in the world
to slowly watch,
as this new life appears.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

ADD mouth


Sitting here, climbing out of my skin
so simple to see, that I don't fit in
can't stand much more, seems they don't care
It takes so much, to remain in my chair
Words just shoot, right out of my face
seems I've lost the filter, keeps me in my place.
& when folks get mad, it takes so long
before I see, where I went wrong
they say to think, before I speak
I'm afraid my mouth, is the weakest link
it appears to have, a mind of it's own
can't even count, the chances I've blown
when I try to say, a soothing word
instead pops out, somethin' loud and absurd
so PLEASE give me...

a big learning curve.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Tagged by an Angel

O.K. so the lovely Miss Angel has tagged me.
She want's to know 7 sacred secrets about me... meemeemee

#7 thinking, thinking, thinking DUDE I am SO NOT exciting anymore! What the hell happened? If you would have asked me this 5 years ago I would have been able to raise the hackles on your neck with some extremely juicy stuff, but today I'm just so calm and happy. Bummer
O.K. theres one... What do you mean "that's cheating"?

Honestly, it's nearly noon and I'm on my patio in nothing but a robe, last nights make-up smeared on my face, slippers, a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, drinking yesterdays coffee which I nuked cause I'm too lazy to make a fresh pot and you want me to come up with 7 entertaining things about myself!

#6 O.K. I never wear underpants! Hate them. Actually never isn't true, I have a few very cute thongs... but when I wear them, I don't bother with clothes.

#5 I am on a gummy bear and caramel diet, seems to be working too.

#6 I am a notorious car flirt! I have a darling little convertible and I find it wonderful entertainment to flirt and run. Thank God it's turbo powered, I've been followed several times and it becomes quite an adrenalin rush wondering if I'm using my pouty overly glossed lips on an ax murderer.

#5 I paint fingernail polish over old chipped nail polish, I have been known to go 8 layers deep. Thrilling I know!

#4 I drive over a hundred miles to my husband when he is out of town just to get laid and then I'll drive back home at 2am.

#3 I have been known to spend up to 5 hours in my hot tub. My husband installed a TV on the post next to it so I could watch old movies while I'm in my "crab pot" as he calls it. It also doubles as my best friend when I am unwilling to drive over 100 miles while he is out of town (mischievous grin) , a lot can happen in 5 hours.

#2 I play with toys. I have been collecting them for years under the guise of "someday I will have grandkids" and now that my step daughter is pregnant, I'm terrified that I might have to actually share them at some point!

#1 WHEW! O.K. thinking, thinking, thinking, AHHHHH I know! I go to thrift stores and buy prom dresses, then when my house really needs to be cleaned from top to bottom, I put on my make-up, do my hair up, spritz on my favorite perfume and don the evening gown. I thrash the dress, using the fluffy pink tule to scrub crap off the floor, the fine lace to dust, and then I wipe my hands all over the front when they are good and grungy. When the house is sparking, I throw the sucker in the trash and go buy a new one. My friends LOVE to come over on cleaning day, just to see me in pearls and heels.
Well that's the way Mrs. Cleaver did it! Just ask Beaver!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Inside the ADHD head

So my friend Angel that has a wonderful ADHD son Damien, had a lovely poem written for him by his Grandma.

This is the poem...


MY AMAZING BOY



If I could only understand and see inside your head!

If I could simply grasp your thoughts and feel them in my hands –

The world is full of little words like ‘if’ and ‘sorry’ and ‘I promise’ ….

How do I see inside your mind and hold onto the bouncing ideas

that move faster than the speed of light in flashing colours and sounds?

You feel so very far away and yet, you are right here.

It seems there are worlds between us and yet, you are right here.

Then suddenly

there is a brilliant smile on your lovely face

and my soul leaps with joy!

Suddenly

you open the window just a little bit and we share a rainbow.

Your lovely brown eyes look into to my faded blue eyes,

heart to heart.

Mind to mind.

I treasure those instances.

There was harmony in you for a that moment.

If you and I could only see in your head all the potential,

the love, the kindness, the genius lying therein!



Would it be easier for you, my dearest adder?



If I could only understand and see inside your head!

If I could simply grasp your thoughts and feel them fluttering in my hands –



would it be easier for me, my dearest adder?

Here is the link: http://angelathome.blogspot.com/2007/10/poem-from-grandmother-to-her-adhder.html
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Beautiful!

Well, that is a Grandma that is truly paying attention.
The fact that she sees the beauty in his mind, the brilliance and the potential is really awesome.

Few really get it, but a Momma and a Grandmas heart sees all.

If she could see inside his head indeed!

I got to thinking about what it's like inside out heads, here is what I came up with.



I tried to explain once what it looked like inside my own head...

I am in a closet and there are hundreds of thousands of tiny pieces of paper with every bit of knowledge I have on them (and I have a lot!), and there's a huge fan that blows them all around me night and day. I can see so many words, ideas, concepts and thoughts at once it's crazy! It is overwhelming. It's hard to hold onto one and keep it still while I grab another, so I have learned to just let go.
Every now and again I get lucky and find two that go together, that is when I shine.
I lie because I can't remember what the past papers said before they got blown out of my hand and I don't want to seem stupid or get into trouble.

This crazy whirling mind of mine is wonderful, but when others expect me to have a filing cabinet like them, I get so frustrated and confused. I know they don't understand, so I am as patient with them as I can possibly be.

Friday, September 07, 2007

The lost year

The windows all need washing,
the laundry rooms a mess,
my art, music and writing
have been abandon, I confess

I really can't explain how
I've lost a whole damn year,
there's a heavy layer of dust
hiding all that I hold dear.

I don't know where I put it
all my closets are stuffed shut,
but could a year hide out in there,
as I've sat here on my butt?

It really is quite scary
to see how much I haven't done,
& the kids don't live here anymore,
so I can't blame it on my son.

There must be some bright way,
to make this all look good,
Ahhhhhh
I spent a year in meditation...
don't you wish you could?

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Cody Got his Masters of Fine Arts!

OH MY GOD you guys... How in the world did this happen???
I remember taking Cody to a "psyco"therapist when he was 7 or so.
The guy talked with me for an hour and watched Cody redecorate
his office. At the end of the hour he looked at me in total sincerity and said:
"In my professional opinion, I believe you should both be institutionalized."

BWAAAAAHAAAAHAAAA Jokes on you ASS HOLE!

ADHD people don't live in the worlds little boxes, we make our own!
We stretch patience, energy and minds into entire new realms.
We are the people who believe in magic and make it, see visions and create it,
we are unsinkable, miraculous, vivid movement and WE EVEN GET MASTERS OF FINE ARTS DEGREES!

Whoopee!

Cody will begin teaching music, as a professor Sept. 5th.

I will be creating a CD beginning immediately. I have a gentleman
that wants to produce my recovery CD and YEEHAW baby, were living our dreams!






Thursday, February 08, 2007

This class is a drag

It's 10am this class is a drag I wonder whats in my lunch bag,
Oh I forgot to grab my phone, man I guess I'll have to run home.
Dad is there, I'll sneak in the back, quietly, peek thru the kitchen door crack,
Opps he's moving, in the closet I go, gotta be quiet, can't let him know.
Got it and out, cross the road and I'm free, man it's so damn cool to be me!
Back thru the field I see the school snitch, I dash for the trees and hit the ditch.
Patently wait, O.K. there she goes, scrambling out, dirt head to toes,
hey look there's the cops! are they looking for me? Was I gone long enough? How could that be?
Bolt back to class, time? 10:03... this class is a drag

Sunday, December 17, 2006

An Angel

Angel's a mom, and not just any mom,
she does things her own way and sings a different song.
Her son has put her thru the test,
and this girl has done more than her best.
She has kept a daily journal, a map for us to follow,
from day to year she's faced the fear of that ADHD kid,
and what she did, was to plow the earth, till the soil,
so others could follow, thru her own toil,
and she won't know, what will grow, around the world,
'cause of the height's she's hurled, she's run a race,
that very few moms will ever face,
but her strength and courage, to face what's true,
will help others after her, know just what to do.
Thank you angel, where would we be without you!




Hang in there Momma, My Adhd baby just turned 25 and is finishing his
Masters Of Fine Arts!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

My ADHD want's to be, a tree

If I were a tree, I would have thick deep roots that shot into the ground, wrapping around boulders and badgers and bugs. Depth, something I have never known would be my mantra. If I were a tree, I'd feed off of the warm earth where I would stay planted for hundreds of years, never moving, slowly rooting haughtily stable. My branches the only moving part, as if my hands and arms were carrying on a conversation with the wind. Explaining to the sun, that I was the one, who could always be relied upon. If I were a tree.
But no. ADHD, yes that's me.
I am a feather, blown by a fickle wind. Spinning through orchards and fields, never knowing, never growing, never stopping...for long. I am a feather. Blown high and low, with no rhyme nor reason, disregarding season, just blown, from here to there, to there, to there, to there, seemingly without a care. But when I am downed by a saturating rain, I envy the tree, how would it be, if that were me? Firmly planted like that tree? Whoosh, here I go again.

Tracy Nicolaus 2006

Monday, September 18, 2006

Sneaking out in the middle of the night

So when Mr. Hyperactive extraordinaire was at the always fascinating age of 15, he began sneaking out of the house. Actually he had done it for years but at 15 he had a purpose. A girl. This particular girl's parents were interesting people, they didn't mind having my son sleep with their daughter, but man they got pissed when he sneaked in her window!
But that is another tale, for another day.
So, one night I'm sound asleep in my bedroom, which happens to be directly above the garage where the dogs sleep. It was 3AM when I woke up to the sound of the dogs barking like crazy. I perked my ear toward the open window and heard a familiar voice saying "Shut up stupid, shhhh your gonna wake Mom up!" Hmm Codys out again I mumbled. I grabbed my robe and began making my way down the stairs. His brothers, also alerted by the dogs, were coming to see what all the ruckus was about. We quietly opened the door, peeking out so as to catch him. That of course being the only possible way to get a confession out of him. If he were to escape unseen, he would claim that he had never left his bed, and in fact had eaten breakfast with us that very morning. We of course would have been dumbfounded once again by his magnificent ability to fabricate outrageous lies. Then after a day or two, we would begin to think that we were in fact the crazy ones, and had merely thought he was gone. Maybe he had eaten with us that morning and we had simply forgotten. Cody had an incredible way of making a person question their own reality.
So we see his silhouette, bent over picking something up. I Flip the front porch light on, and there he is! Just rolling up the garden hose like it was perfectly normal to be doing such a thing at three in the morning. "What in the wide wide world of sports is going on out here Cody?" I asked in shear amazement. "Nothing I'm just rolling up the hose." He replied as calm as you please. "At 3 in the frickin morning?" His brother chimed in. Cody looked at us, shrugged his shoulders and began making his way up the front porch steps. "Well" he says, "I better get back to bed." We watched him slowly grasping the railing for balance. It is not easy climbing stairs with a full backpack, saggy blue jeans and roller blades on your feet!
But I guess if your into rolling up hoses in the wee hours of the morning, that is the appropriate attire.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Are you crazy? Or is it me?

As I walked through my house today, heading down the hall I again remembered that I had forgotten what on earth I was going down the hall for. I have become accustomed to this having lived with ADHD for 40 something years. But at times I actually feel pretty "normal". That is until someone really normal walks into my world. So last week I was doing my usual whatever I want, when my neighbor came by. I didn't answer the door because I was in the back yard, 15 feet up the walnut tree shaking the crap out of it so the walnuts would fall out before the squirrels could get to them. I was also talking on my cell phone to a friend at the same time. She had come into the backyard and was just staring up the tree. She later told me that she couldn't see the phone, she thought I was having a full on conversation with myself! What? Did she think I was that whack? Well in order to get into the tree, I had to pull several chairs over. Unfortunately, I had tipped the main one over on my way up. It never occurred to me how I would get down. See the other side of the tree was covered with a purple paper glue bust I had made earlier in the day and it was hanging to dry. So it turned out to be a blessing, she was able to help me down. As I grabbed her shoulder for balance she shrieked! "Tracy! Oh my God, what did you do?" She was staring at the blood on my leg. "No big deal, I scratched it in the tree." I said as I looked at the black walnut stain I had just put on her white silk blouse. I changed the subject quickly, "so what do you think of the bust I'm making?" I asked. The reply was irritating at best. "What on earth are you going to do with that huge thing?" She was looking at it like it were some kind of slimy bug! "Well, I thought I'd put it in the front yard!" I replied, tongue in cheek. She looked at my patio, and I followed her gaze. These are those moments of clarity we ADHD folks get now and then. If we don't have enough shame from our childhoods, we can well make up for it with the help of normies!
I had the horror of seeing what she saw. I had a minimum of 5 projects going at once. All different, all consisting of different types of boxes, bags, tools, gizmos and gadgets. "How do you make such horrendous messes Tracy? Honestly, it amazes me that it doesn't bother you to live like this!" I am sure, what with her being in a state of shock and all, she did not mean to be rude, so I chose to not be offended. Plus, I had ruined her shirt and thankfully she had not noticed it yet. "Well" I pondered the question for a moment, then it occurred to me. "You know what? Life is too damn long to not make lots of messes, climb trees, scrape your legs up, and create art! If I had to go sit in a cubical most of my days, I think I'd just rather not be alive! You know what? I think it would do you a world of good to get messy now and again yourself!" Amazingly her eyes went from disbelief to delight! She went home and changed into cutoffs and was back in a flash. The two of us spent the evening climbing trees and finger painting! She said it was the most fun she'd had in ages, and I refused to let her clean up one thing! In fact the paint is still out here, OH THATS what I was going down the hall for! I wanted to get the mirror out of my husbands drawer! I have an awesome idea about melting hard paint onto mirror! I'll let you know how it turns out.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Who you are

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Who you are,
no words could ever say
and who you are is
the bright spot in my day
and who you are
is not what you think is true
you just believed in some old stories
but that really isn't you

who you are,
isn't what your brother still believes
and who you are
aint what anybody sees
you know everybody sees you different
but none of that is true,
not a soul alive could ever know
what I see in you

Hey who you are
just aint some story told by your momma and your dad
and who you are was never based on what you did or didn't have
and when I look into your eyes
I'm not seeing a facade,
when I look at who you truly are
I see a sweet image of God

So let go of all your past now
and take a look inside
If your still and very quiet
you wont feel a need to hide
cause who you are
is a miracle it seems
yah who you are is a brand new color
that I can see inside my dreams

By; Tracy Nicolaus

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

I WON I WON!!!

Well after hangin out at Angels place for a while, her amazing ADHD kiddo created a cool cartoon, missing a caption. So I submitted mine, a viola! I won! Now this may not seem like a big deal to the rest of the planet, but for an ADHD mom that is STARVING for any "wins" I am thrilled!
Thanks Damien! Ya got good taste!



I was reading and noted that Damien got busted cutting school!
Well Angel, I can top your story, when Cody started the 7th grade, we had just moved to a new district. I registered him and would drop him at the school bus stop every morning on my way to work. He seemed to be doing just fine. Unfortunately I had to work overtime on back to school night though. Well after about 8 weeks into the school year I got a call from the school secretary asking me why Cody was not in school. I, of course had no clue what she was talking about and asked her when he had missed class? She said "Well never! We assumed you must have enrolled him elsewhere, he never has come to this school!" DHO!
Seems my precious was hiding in the bushes every morning, then when the bus left he simply walked home and curled up on the sofa for a nice long day of MTV!

Sooooo, from one single mom survivor to another... Angel, it can always be worse honey!

Sunday, September 03, 2006

The bunny incident

One day a bit after Easter I came home from work, payed the babysitter way more than I wanted to and headed toward the secret hiding spot of my milk chocolate Easter bunny. I called out to it but to my horror I saw why it couldn't hear me, someone had eaten it's ears off! I spun around and saw the culprit! Right in the hallway, evidence of chocolate all over his 9 year old face, still chewing no less! I was devastated! "Cody! You are eating MY chocolate bunny!" I yelled at him. I had learned some time earlier to never ask him anything that might be condemning with those two bad words "did you?" Because of course I knew perfectly well what his answer would be. The Doctor had advised me to make it a statement rather than a question. But still, even though I did everything right, he replied, "Am not" through chocolate covered teeth.
"Open your mouth" I said and he quickly swallowed the last nub of ear and stuck a brown tongue out at me. "Why you little..." I swooped him up and carried him to the bathroom where I stood behind him facing the mirror. "Cody" I said while attempting desperately to contain my anger, "You ate my bunnies ears! Admit it. There is chocolate all over your face, in your mouth and on your hands!" "No I didn't Mom!" He yelled indignantly! "It wasn't me I swear!" My face was turning a very unattractive shade of red, I was dumbfounded by yet another blatant lie. "Listen bub, your the only one here with bunny face O.K.? I will get over the chocolate, but you can't just lie like this and think anyone is going to believe you!" He just stood there. His eyes were pleading and sincere. I am sure that he must have totally convinced himself that an alien had snuck in and shoved some random chocolate in his mouth without him seeing anything and escaped unnoticed by the babysitter. I can not to this day, 17 years later get him to cop to the bunny incident!
Well, he went into the right profession. He is one of the finest actors I have ever seen!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Masters Degree for ADHD

Well I never ever imagined he would survive his childhood let alone this!
He never ceases to amaze me!
The very pretty blond is his wonderful girlfriend Fern, and her bright ADHD son Sean is the... well I guess his tounge sticking out says it all, what a sugar plumb! My husband had fun playing with the cap as well. It was a beautiful day.

His Masters thesis was to write, cast, direct, do the music, multi media, and production on a performance. He not only had to come up with it, but it had to make a statement from an activist viewpoint and touch the audience. His choice was global warming. He wrote a "raperetta", It was truly awesome! The music you hear in the video is comprised of some of those bizarre sounds that used to come from the back seat that made me swing at him! Who knew something so obnoxious could end up sounding so beautiful!

So that holy terror, destroying your world like a tornado? Don't ever underestimate the grace given to one like this!

ADHD has a lot of great side effects like, excess energy, hyperfocus, multi tasking, creativity, and a lovely boyancy to withstand the harsh crule world! We seem to posess perception of superhuman endurance that somehow pulls us through!


WAY TO GO CODY!!! I am proud and delighted!

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Video tribute ADHD Mom

This is a tribute to a very patient and loving ADHD Momma.
For you Miss. Brenda, as you and Payton begin finding your own way.



Songs by: Celine Dion and Charlotte Church